Ever hear someone say a cheesy colloquialism and want to punch that person in the face? Yeah, me too.
In high school, I heard way too many stupid ""inspiring"" quotes from coaches that it made me want to throw in the towel. Literally. Being a benchwarmer came with a territory, i.e. towels and water. What it comes down to is that most sayings just sound stupid or don't make much sense. I've compiled a list of phrases that need the boot.
""You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take.""
OK, I get it, but sometimes you also miss the shots you do take, and usually those ones are super embarrassing. Like that time I played in a varsity basketball playoff game for only 30 seconds and still managed to shoot an air ball.
The look on my coach's face read, ""You idiot, why the hell did you take that three pointer?"" As a substitute came in for me, my nervous expression said in reply, ""But coach, you said that we miss 100% of…"" And his furrowed brow said back, ""That didn't apply to you, benchwarmer.""
Or that time I shot the ball and got stuffed by a girl five inches taller than me. Not only did I get stuffed, but the ball ricocheted off her fat palm and clobbered me in the face. After needing to have plastic surgery to fix my broken nose, you can bet your ass I wish I had just bounce passed the stupid ball to someone else.
""As we grow older, it's not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do.""
I guess the sentiment of this quote is nice, but overall, it's just not true.
Exhibit A
Any person anywhere who has ever thrown up in a bar probably regrets taking that shot and/or drink that put them over the edge.
Exhibit B
In ""Dumb and Dumber,"" Lloyd sure did regret trusting a ""sweet old lady on a motorized cart"" to watch his ""essentials."" Paddleballs and pinwheels are hard to come by.
Exhibit C
After downing two churros at Six Flags, I really regretted giving into the peer pressure of my fellow seventh graders to go on Shockwave because it would be, ""Sooo much fun. Come on, Kath-a-leen, everybody is going!"" Being almost 200 feet up in the air and puking = not fun.
""Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.""
Prove it.
""Everybody is busy.""
This is a phrase I've heard before usually in response to me saying something along the lines of, ""Uggg I'm feeling really overwhelmed and busy."" If whomever I'm talking to condescendingly replies with, ""Everybody is busy,"" I want to shout in their face, ""Thanks for discounting my stress, you jerk.""
""I don't have time for this.""
In contrast to the last quote, when people say they don't have time for something, they usually do. Ways to save time: A) Don't bring a crossword puzzle into the bathroom with you. That 25-minute dump can easily be cut down to 10. B) Don't go on YouTube. Trust me, I know from experience. You simply want to look up a 16-second video of a panda sneezing, but two hours later you find yourself watching Norm MacDonald interviews on David Letterman.
""Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble.""
Never get me in trouble? Really? What about when I overheard my older cousin say the Easter Bunny wasn't real? Or the time Sally, the kindergarten bully, called me a ""bitch"" for not letting her eat my Dunkaroos? Both bad days for my ears.
""A penny saved is a penny earned.""
Pennies are, more or less, obsolete. This quote needs to be updated.
""You can sleep when you die.""
First of all, that's morbid. Second of all, what an assumption, buddy! How in the world do you know I can sleep when I die? What if when I get to heaven (fingers crossed), God says, ""Okay folks, break is over. Get to work,"" and he sends me to shovel snow for three years straight without rest? I can guarantee you I'd wish I had gotten all the sleep possible rather than staying out with you so I could be your wingman and watch you flirt with some dude.
""Don't take offense, but…""
Pretty sure there is zero chance this one isn't going to sting.
""I don't mean to be a bitch, but…""
Actually, no, you most certainly do intend to be a bitch.
Are there any sayings that drive you nuts? Please share them with Kathleen at kqbrosnan@wisc.edu.
