Fortunately for you all, I happen to moonlight as the Program Coordinator for Sex Out Loud, your friendly neighborhood sexual health organization on campus. And our facilitators tell me a bunch of our fellow Badgers have some misconceptions about condoms. Here's the deal: First and foremost, if you're buying a condom in the United States, it has been rigorously tested by the FDA. That means the size, material and most importantly, effectiveness, has been verified. Now, that only goes for condoms you buy new at the store or those available for free from Sex Out Loud, the Campus Women's Center and University Health Services. Any other condoms that conveniently ""fall off the back of the truck"" or you find on the street I can't speak to. They may be contraband or have been pierced with pins by someone's over-zealous mother. This is why we do the pinch or roll test to find out if the condom has an air bubble in it. If it doesn't, you probably have a dud on your hands. Pitch it and find a new one.
On the same note, while many of the places around campus offer free condoms, they're probably not Trojans. Sorry, kids, but if you think Trojans are better condoms, you're wrong—and a slave to marketing. Yeah, I said it. Trojans aren't any better than Durex or whatever other condom brands are in the fish bowls around campus. They're cheaper, but no less effective. And when you're handing out tens of thousands of condoms, like we do at Sex Out Loud, you have to be economical.
Another thing to remember is condoms aren't made to last forever. In fact, most condoms are made of latex, a natural material that breaks down over time. That's why the dates printed on them should be heeded. So that condom in your wallet that you got out of a truck stop restroom dispenser on your class trip to Indianapolis freshman year of high school is probably past its prime. It's time to honor its memory by throwing it away.
Besides time, things like oil and grease deteriorate condoms, making them more likely to fail; so it's best to avoid having them meet. Oil and grease can mean all kinds of things, like Vaseline (which is made from oil), baby oil, to massage oil and the grease from your hands after you eat a gigantic slice of Ian's Pizza. So while it may be obvious that you wouldn't slather your penis or toy with a gallon of baby oil, it might not be so obvious that dinner may be the reason baby Oliver is putting a cramp on your Friday night Beer Pong tournament.
I'm not telling you to run down the hallway with pillows covering your netherparts so you can scrub in before condoming up, but if you haven't washed your hands in a while, and you think things might get frisky it's a good idea to wash up. Or you can keep some Purell by the bedside—just don't confuse it with your lube.
The final thing I keep hearing over and over is that some of you guys seem to have it in your head that you're all such studs that your horse penises couldn't possibly(!) fit into a condom fitted for mere mortals. Sorry to burst your bubble big guy, but you're not fooling anyone. Condoms sold in the U.S. are able to fit over a basketball, be filled with over a gallon of water and pulled over my friend Mikey Dowden's arm Don't believe me? Look him up on Facebook. On average, a U.S. male's penis is on the lower end of six inches, so unless everyone at UW is special and running around with 21-inch penises, I think it's safe to say regular condoms work just fine. If the condom feels a little tight you can always pull up on the end and roll the ring at the bottom down some more to loosen things up. Oh, and if you think condoms lessen sensation, a drop or two of lube in the tip should fix things quite nicely.
So there you have it friends: A quick and dirty dispelling of common condom myths. Just one last thing: Don't double bag it. Doubled-up condoms are more likely to break because of friction and you or your toy will look stupid. It would be like wearing a snowboarding jacket over a parka—it's just not done.
Have any questions? E-mail them to sex@dailycardinal.com.
