Most people have an open-mouthed smile. Others smile with their eyes. Some people, like me, smile with their chin—their double chin to be exact. With a good number of college students owning cameras and with many of them attempting to capture every moment of their time spent at UW-Madison, the double chin has become an epidemic for not just myself, but many people on campus. Luckily, Facebook has so graciously been the easy means for this epidemic to shine in all of its awkward and unflattering glory.
The inconsiderate friend
There's the case when your friend tags you in a picture where you look like total crap and she, of course, looks mighty fine. It was her birthday and you were out for dinner celebrating; she's all smiley, her makeup looks Victoria's Secret-ish, her hair is curly and all that other good shit. But you, by god. Get your act together! In your defense, you didn't even know someone was taking a picture to begin with. You're busy straining your neck just so you can get a better look at the other table to see what kind of bacon this joint serves. Crispy? Soggy? Canadian? Then BOOM, there goes the flash and then BOOM, you're in your friend's new profile picture. You get the notification, look at the picture, say ""woof"" and then untag.
Whatever. You're over it. It's just another ugly picture floating in the Facebook abyss. Then, you run into the jerk that tagged you. She cocks her head to the side and says in an annoying, whiney voice, ""Why'd you untag that picture?"" You might just utter, ""I didn't like it,"" and walk away. But, I can bet this is what you really want to say: ""Uggggg shut up. Why are you monitoring my pictures, you freak? You want to know why I untagged? Oh, I don't know, maybe because that angle gave me a double chin that looks like I eat Ben and Jerry's for breakfast, lunch and dinner. GET OFF MY BACK!""
Who's that guy?
What may be worse than having your friend tag a hideous picture of you is when you're just some average Joe with a double chin looking grotesque in someone else's Facebook album. I honestly don't want to know how many pictures I'm randomly in the background of picking a wedgie or stuffing my face with food. Totally defenseless.
It's funny when someone else is caught off guard—not so funny when it's you. But then again, if this is some stranger's album, then you'll never see the picture, and what you don't know can't hurt you. Right? Wrong.
True story while sitting next to an acquaintance on the first day of classes this semester:
Acquaintance: ""Kathleen, did you have a good time at the Rose Bowl?""
Me: ""Yeah, I did. It was a tough loss but still a great experience… Wait, how'd you know I went?""
Acquaintance: ""I saw a picture of you in the stands at the game. You were behind my friend.""
Me: ""Well how about that. I actually don't have any pictures inside the stadium, can I see it?""
Acquaintance: ""Ohhhhh well, uh, it might take me awhile to find it.
Me: ""Can you just try?""
Acquaintance: ""Suuuuuuure.""
With hesitation, he goes to his friend's Facebook page. Fifteen seconds later I'm saying, ""Goooooo!"" and really regretting that I ever asked. Before my eyes, I see what might possibly be the worst picture of me ever. I have nacho cheese spilled on my jersey, and I'm craning my neck back to look at something in the air, giving a clear shot up my nostrils. But the real gem is that I have toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Momentarily, I thought the most embarrassing part of this massacre was the fact that I was actually identifiable while in such an unfavorable state, but nope. The most embarrassing part was the comments that strangers left. My ""favorite"" was, ""Dude, that chick behind you looks like she got hit by a bus.""
Getting snubbed
Sometimes your shoulder is good enough to be in a friend's profile picture, but your face is just too ugly. Getting cropped out of a picture can be harsh, but just take it with a grain of salt. You win some; you lose some.
Did I miss doppelganger week this year?
Seriously, did it pass? I'm going to be pissed if it did. In direct contrast to the double chin epidemic, there's the epidemic called, ""I'm so hot, and I'm gonna let the whole world know it."" Doppelganger week was my favorite Facebook holiday for this very reason; I loved to hate all the peoplewho thought they were so smoking hot. Nothing screams ""I'm conceited"" like putting your look-a-like as Jennifer Aniston and then writing the caption as, ""I get this all the time."" OK, buddy, just because you have the same hair color as America's sweetheart, it doesn't mean you look like her. Or, just because you have big boobs, it doesn't mean you look like Kim Kardashian. Fortunately, for every five times someone compared themselves to a hottie long shot, I thoroughly enjoyed when people were able to poke fun at themselves.
My friend Colleen went through a short-hair phase. You know, like, boy short. If she had fallen victim to the epidemic, she would have used Natalie Portman during her short-hair heyday. But, no, she's too good for that crap. Who was her doppelganger? The one and only—Kevin Arnold from ""The Wonder Years.""
I was a little late on the doppelganger uptake, but once I realized what was going on, I went full force. I was a very large baby, the bulldozer type. And I am proud to say that I had an uncanny resemblance to Madison's finest—Chris Farley. Hey, if you got it, flaunt it. And by ""it,"" I mean a double chin.
Share your embarrassing photo stories with Kathleen at kqbrosnan@wisc.edu.
