This past semester can be summarized by a series of misadventures and near-escapes punctuated by awkward silences, yelling in mobs, too much whiskey and summer internship applications. I laboriously slaved over every meticulous detail, being sure to avoid those dreaded dangling modifiers and… alliteration. I mastered the language of being highly specific yet comparatively vague all at the same time. I accidentally memorized all the ZIP codes down the California coastline. And, I ended up spending over $60 just to mail all this bullshit.
Fourteen tongue paper cuts and over 40 applications to internships around the country later, I'd be happy to get just one call back. But, given the economy is one big heap of garbage, I've attached a more realistic cover letter for any potential employers to this column.
It's too late anyway, 2011
Bitch-work summer job
Right across from the beach
Awesome City, Warm State 94121
Dear Shit-for-Brains Potential Employer:
As an ambitious journalism, radio-TV-film and Spanish student and junior at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I'm seeking a summer internship with any fucking place that will take me. I really did research your company, and after reading the first three sentences on your Wikipedia page, I can tell that your style is as articulate and compelling as it is eccentric. You probably don't care that I've been working my ass off with two jobs on top of school, BUT I can make a damn good cup of coffee, and that's all that really matters. Amirite?
My work at The Daily Cardinal, one of the oldest independent student newspapers in the country, has made me accustomed to inter-office hockey, tight deadlines and doughnuts. Since assuming editorship, I've learned a multitude of important journalistic skills that will not help me when I'm working in the mailroom of your company. I also contribute a weekly column to the paper, which has allowed me to publicly bitch about my life and save money on weekly therapy sessions.
Along with my work at The Daily Cardinal, I also hold a position with the university as a videographer giving me valuable experience with Final Cut Pro, which won't really matter when I'm in line at Starbucks ordering your non-fat venti soy chai latte with two shots of espresso and no foam. Most importantly though, I know how to use Facebook and Twitter, and no hashtag doth not fear mine stroke.
I'm ambivalent. In fact, ambivalence is one of my most important qualities. I'm willing to walk your dog and pick up your dry-cleaning. I enjoy being undervalued. Equally important, though, I'm someone who can take criticism and not complain about you and that hairy mole protruding off your schnoz when you're not around.
I'm organized, and I guarantee no other intern has fax-machine-moxie like me. In addition, I have an unrivaled skill for smoke breaks and I won't start coughing like a prissy little bitch. Finally, I'm going to highlight a quality of mine that shows I researched the position, here: I'm cheap, exploitable labor.
A résumé and a few samples of my work are enclosed. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like to practice belittlement over the phone. Thank you for your time and consideration, I guess.
Sincerely,
Stephanie J. Lindholm
That being said, wouldn't it be amusing if this column prevented me from getting a job? How ironic can you get without puking?
Comments? Send them Stephanie's way at slindholm@wisc.edu.
