Despite one cowardly paper's best efforts to back out of what promises to be its resounding defeat, The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald will add another chapter to their timeless rivalry Saturday in Vilas Park.
Although the outcome of the game—another Cardinal victory that will destroy the will of its meager opponent—was never in doubt, its timing briefly was.
After a Herald editor suggested the teams do battle Saturday, the Cardinal amicably agreed. But in a move of bitchassery indicative of the paper's moral standing, Herald staff tried to change the date of the contest, because they apparently needed their entire newspaper to cover Sarah Palin.
""I know we said we could do Saturday, but we got one look at your team and knew we stood no chance against your staff of champions,"" Herald Editor-in-Chief Kevin Bargnes told Cardinal EIC Emma Roller as a wet puddle formed at his feet. ""Please, have mercy! I want to keep one of these legs!""
Roller dismissed the unipedal Bargnes, saying the game/ruthless ass kicking would go on as scheduled.
""Lake Wingra's waters will run red from the blood of Herald staffers,"" Roller proclaimed. ""They shall know our wrath upon the brutal end to their miserable existences.""
It's easy to see why Bargnes, who doubles as the cross-dressing frontman of indie rock band of Montreal, wouldn't want to play Saturday. The Herald will be without its star reporter and emotional backbone, known only as ""AP,"" this weekend.
AP has done everything for the Herald, from writing 700-word pieces of ""brief"" international news to covering pivotal spring training Brewers games. In AP's absence, Herald Managing Editor Adam Holt is expected to take its place, batting third and playing first base.
That is, unless Jordan Schelling tries to steal that job from him too.
