There he is, booting the kickstand of his Huffy mountain bike with his excruciatingly yellow Vibram fivefinger toe shoes. But don't be fooled, he isn't an athlete of any kind. No sir, he's just your run of the mill college kid with a keen interest in orthopedic comfort and an anxious concern for the preservation of knee cartilage. On top of this are a pair cargo pants crammed into the ends of his impressively white toe socks (to protect from a bike-pant-chain assault on his 1996 Levis) and a set of transitions lenses that fade one shade lighter with the dropping of the setting sun.
""Oh my god…whoops…gosh! It's already 7:33?!"" he thinks as he stares wide-eyed at his Velcro, water-proof, compass, alarm-clock watch ""they were expecting me in the Chadbourne den three minutes ago. Fuuuudge! Biking from Bradley should have only taken 11 minutes. Curious?"" He quickly U-locks his back tire and bike frame to the nearest rack and meticulously but with practiced ease removes the front tire for added safety. Whoops, he almost forgot to take his helmet off! Man, he could have really looked like a doofus walking in with that on…
Boom.
There it is. The dopiest-looking piece of headwear to ever be worn on a person over eight years old; the biggest waste of money and dignity since crocs hit malls around the world; the stupidest, most ""what the fuck are you wearing?"" piece of garment the human race ever dared to conceive…the winter badger head ""hat."" AND IT'S NOT EVEN WINTER YET!
The creature I just described is the ideal victim of this grossly heinous hat epidemic. Unfortunately, many well-grounded individuals justify the victim's cluelessness with a, ""what else could he do?"" Finally away from Mom and the ""Throner"" losers in his high school Magic club, he has the chance to be fresh and happening like those girls on ""Teen Mom."" After all, these barefaced symbols of school pride are bursting from shelves in every memorabilia store across campus. And there are those cool bros sporting them on UW's homepage! But after all, who can blame him?
Me. I can. With no guilt whatsoever. And before I go any further, I would like to proclaim to anyone who owns, has worn, is considering buying, has dreamed about or knows someone who knows someone who bought the hat (over the age of eight) that you need to seriously consider repositioning yourself in society. This questionable piece of tortured linen is meant for young children and the poor soul desperate for toilet paper in an empty bathroom. No exceptions.
I strongly believe this ""hat"" can only be described as ""omgz super cute,"" when it is on the baldhead of an infant. Any other instance of such talk is completely unacceptable. After all you transfer the imaginative look of the Gerber baby to a 20-year-old pre-law student preparing for the LSAT, you get a very generationally confused fashion faux pas intertwined with someone who actually thinks they look good in public—a psychological examination that warrants a COMPLETELY separate column.
Which, unfortunately, is an analysis that may do society some good, as Wisconsinites, students, moms, sorority girls and the one dog-tired, half-dead indefinitely determined Capitol protestor keep buying them. When I say buying them, I mean they are spending $24.95 on a product sponsored by a company who decided to call themselves ""ZooZatz"" (to be analyzed in a separate article) But why?! Twenty-five bucks is three-to-five hours of work and leisurely sacrifice for the average minimum wage employee. That is three-to five-hours spent on looking like someone aching to be a creepy, giant, adult-baby hybrid dressed as a malignantly vicious, rabies-dripping badger.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here! Is it just me or does anyone else see the resemblance between this clown headdress and the ""Derilique"" garbage campaign? But more importantly, does anyone else agree with me?
Unfortunately, I'm beginning to lose hope. With every Target that stocks these ""ZooZatz"" and mysteriously sells out, comes another severe plummet in my faith. With every faceless, hip-cocked, arm-raised mannequin ignorantly displaying the ""hat"" is another lost soldier in the fight for all that is sensible and sane.
So if you're out there, don't be afraid to speak up! Step out of the badger-headed majority and make your voices heard. Be the yellow flower in the field of red, badger-headed roses and preach for what is right!
Or just tweet at me if you want to blow up the bookstore or something. I'm down with whatever.
Do you also like to rant about hats? You and Sam should get all dressed up and discuss it over a nice seafood dinner. Drop her a line at switthuhn@wisc.edu.
