Don't get me wrong; the Internet is a great tool. It answers questions like, ""What is a clitoris?"" (For those wondering, the clitoris is a mythical part of the female anatomy). There are tools like Sparknotes, Google Maps and YouTube (For those wondering, YouTube is an online video site that piggybacks off the idea of the ever-popular YouJizz).
I can find music and movies and watch sports like basketball; the Internet even has places to watch non-sport activities, like women's basketball. And how many hours of my life have been wasted on Facebook? But the Internet does have its downsides.
For one, there are advertisements. I receive multiple e-mails everyday concerning penis enlargement. First of all, I don't know how the Internet KNOWS I'm neither a grower nor a shower. But just because I have to buy my extra-small condoms at Baby Gap does not mean that I would rather have a horse-sized appendage hanging in between my legs. What would I even do with all of that?
Thankfully, my computer knows that those emails go straight to the ‘junk' folder, but for some reason the UW will give out our emails to just about anyone.
I have zero interest in joining any student organization; that's why I skipped the student organization fair you sent me six e-mails about. I'm going to be a responsible adult and just put your stupid organization on my resume like everyone else.
And no, not a single part of me wants to donate to Africa. In fact, I was about to e-mail Africa asking if they would donate to me, until I realized that the whole continent has about six computers in total.
And yes, Asian Kitchen, I'll stop by again around 3 am this Saturday; you don't need to keep telling me how good your deals are!
Another Internet plague comes from old people. Grandparents, until they invent a way to e-mail over some cash or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, don't bother sending us e-mails! See, I feel comfortable writing that last joke because I told my grandma, ""Yeah, you can just read my articles ONLINE."" She'll never see this!
I'm totally kidding. I love my sweet gandma, but old people are horrible with technology. ""Hey, Ben, it's grandma. It's about ten-to-noon...actually, no, it's about…11:45. Anyway, just give me a call back when you get this."" My phone already told me you called at 11:47! Why did I need to call my stupid voicemail to hear that redundant message? And then she'll spend about six hours trying to remember how to send an e-mail to tell me the information for a third time.
I hate when people repeat themselves. I hate when people repeat themselves.
One last thing that sucks about the Internet is the fact that idiots are allowed to use it too. There's no aptitude test or anything. Granted, if there were an intelligence test then the whole southern half of our country wouldn't be allowed to use it.
On top of the ads and the senseless e-mails, you have: ""Hey guys, I was too high for class today so could anyone forward me the notes?"" Not to mention the technologically douchehole who somehow manages to hit ‘reply all.'
Shit, am I still typing my Daily Cardinal article?
Wasting your life away mindlessly stalking complete strangers on Facebook? Want to stop the incessant e-mails from your classmates begging you for notes? Shoot Ben an e-mail and share your plight at stoffelrosal@wisc.edu.
