I just saw the trailer for Paranormal Activity 3 and I definitely plan on putting on a diaper and watching it in a dark room. The diaper is because those movies are scary as hell and anyone who says differently is probably one of those crazies who thinks the moon landing was real. The movie got me thinking about something else I'm afraid of, a little thing I call ""renegadebonerphobia."" Let me explain:
The average person leaves his or her fly unzipped once every nine days. The average male gets an erection every 30-45 minutes. (Althought I couldn't find this next statistic online) The average penis slips out of that annoying gap in the front of boxers probably around six times each day. This means it is very possible—however unlikely—that I could accidentally walk around with a full-blown erection in public. This is my irrational fear, the Sirius Black of boners. And you can go ahead and laugh at how stupid it is, but you know it must have happened to someone. And it could happen to you too.
I battle my fear rationally by duct-taping my boxers shut every morning, but I am not the only man with genital-related fears. Many men are afraid of erectile dysfunction, which I find pretty valid. I mean, sure, there's Viagra, but who wants a four-hour erection? No one. That would waste about three hours and 50 minutes of my time. Some guys are afraid of toothed vaginas, which is also valid since everyone knows girls have toothed vaginas.
Genitals aren't the only things that freak people out. Some people have phobias of clowns, dentists or public nudity. I had a friend who was legitimately afraid of being pronounced dead and buried alive. I also have a friend who claims to be afraid of popcorn. He can stand corn on the cob, but when you bring him to a movie theater and he practically wets himself. Another friend claims to be afraid of lesbians, meaning she can't stand Portia de Rossi or Justin Beiber.
I'm not just some irrational constant-zipper-checker, though. I do have a few rational fears. I'm afraid of large bodies of water because I know there are freshwater sharks, seaweed and merpeople. I'm afraid of loud noises, explaining why I can't handle Paranormal Activity, plane engines or Hillary Clinton. Also, I'm pretty afraid of confrontation. This makes it hard to be conservative in a town of diehard liberals who think Gov. Scott Walker is the worst leader since Voldemort. Sorry for the two ""Harry Potter"" references.
That brings me to the whole point of this article. Is the term ‘irrational' a little presumptive, if not outright demeaning? I don't say Democrats have ‘irrational political beliefs' even though I secretly think they have irrational political beliefs. To say a notion is irrational makes it inferior and absurd. No one says there are ‘irrational cultures' or ‘irrational sexual preferences' so why do we classify a different quality like fear as absurd?
Whatever you want to call them, irrational fears are fun to make fun of. I throw popcorn at the one friend and I throw the other into an open grave. It just seems like the rational thing to do.
Afraid of prison-breaking boners and all things relating to genitalia? Seek help, but also email Ben at stoffelrosal@wisc.edu.
