PROVO, UTAH-Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain effectively quelled all allegations of sexual harassment this week with his innovative use of “apology pizza.”
The former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza did some serious damage control, visiting a multitude of women’s rights groups throughout the nation, and bringing some tasty party favors along with him.
“I was convinced that Cain was a male chauvinist, until last Monday, that is,” explained Wendy Chang, chair of the Carson City, Nev. League of Women’s voters. “He just burst into our weekly meeting carrying about 10 ultra-thick crust pies from one of the restaurants he used to own. He yells, “Who wants to taste my thickness?’
Chang said after the peace offering, the group welcomed him with open arms. “It dawned on me: a man this kind and charitable would never commit sexual harassment, not in a million years,” she said.
Cain took the time to sit down with the League chapter for dinner. “He was such a gentleman, really nothing like the way he’s portrayed on CNN and MSNBC,” said Abigail Weinstein, an 87-year old member of the League. “At the end of the meal, he asked me what I was up to later that night. I told him I was going home to play Mah-Jong with my husband. Poor Mr. Cain just looked so upset and let down.”
On Tuesday, Cain turned up during lunch hour at the Center for Gender and Race Equality in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
“Of course none of us could even believe what was happening,” CGRE receptionist Patty Kozlowski said. “Admittedly, I was a visibly miffed that he only brought pepperoni-where was the vegetarian option? Anyway,Cain was very apologetic about it.. He took my phone number down so we could have a more ‘private’ conversation about the matter.”
However, Kozlowski said she never received an official call back, but was contacted by some “creepy random Blocked ID guy who breathed rapidly into the phone and then just abruptly hung up.”
In an attempt to garner some of the youth vote, Cain brought his “Pizza Party Presidential Campaign” to the campus sorority circuit. Candy Williams, vice chair of Alpha Chi Omega at Brigham Young University, found the presidential hopeful to be a “total charmer.”
“After all the bread sticks were gone, when everyone was leaving the room, Herman pulled me aside and asked if I’d stick around a little longer- to split a bottle of non-alcoholic wine. I was so down!” Candy recalled. “But then he saw my promise ring and ran out the door. Weird. I am still totally voting for him, though.”
