Gov. Scott Walker, the single most popular man in Wisconsin, leads an extraordinary life both in and out of the Capitol building. While he spends his days in the office combating union bosses and fixing the budget, it’s what he does outside the job that truly renders the governor a fascinating man-about-town. Some of Walker’s critics accuse the governor of being out of touch with the average Wisconsin citizen, but recent public sightings of him work to defeat his perceived elitism.
Just the other week, Walker was spotted at Game Stop on State Street for the midnight release party of “Batman: Arkham City.”
“I had been in line since 6 p.m., and I was convinced that I was going to be the first one to get the game,” Madison local Tim Martinez explained. “But then a freakin’ limo pulls up to the curb and who enters the store but this middle-aged guy with a really big bald spot. Everyone behind me was like, ‘Holy shit! That’s Scott Walker!’ You know, he may have destroyed my union, but it is just so cool that he is actually a closeted gamer.”
Gamestop isn’t the only Madison locale that Walker has been spotted at. He’s known to frequent Karaoke Kid on University Avenue. “Walker always rocks the party when he comes to Karaoke Kid. Last weekend he did a really sweet rendition of ‘Mo Money, Mo Problems’,” Steve Schwartz, a longtime regular of the bar, said. “And everyone at the bar wants a seat at his table because he always brings Koch!”
Ever since getting kicked out of The Merchant last spring, Walker has reportedly sworn off “bourgie bitch bars,” and has instead been partying it up Plan B and even the Plaza.
“When I see him at The Plaza on Thursday nights for $2 Long Islands, it’s clear to me that he’s suffering from this damned recession as much of the rest of us are,” Schwartz said.
Walker is also an ardent lover of music and used to be a big fan of country legend Hank Williams Jr., but according to Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen, Walker prefers techno these days, specifically dub-step.
“I try to tell him to turn that ruckus down… the ‘Bassnectar’ fellow is his favorite, but he really digs ‘Skrillex’ too.” Multiple sources claim that Walker was seen dancing up a storm on the floor of the Alliant Energy Center this past September for the Tiesto concert.
“He came home that evening with his pupils dialated and a pacifier in his mouth,” Van Hollen recalled. “We were all very concerned.”
After a particularly hard night of partying, Walker was reportedly seen trying to wrestle an imaginary dinosaur, screaming, “Not in my bible? Get out of my textbooks, bitch!”
However, when Walker is not busy fighting the evils of science, he is valiantly defending the students of UW-Madison.
“Me and my girl were chilling at the Kollege Klub on Halloween,” recalled seventh year senior Chad Swanson. “And then this dude gets all up in my face and wants to start something. Of course I’m gonna fight him, but then Walker just appears out of nowhere and breaks the whole thing up. He’s about keeping the peace, you know what I mean?”
Walker admittedly got all this heroic finesse from his favorite television program: “Walker, Texas Ranger.”
“He really liked that one Chuck Norris show,” said one of the governor’s shooting buddies, requesting to be referred to as Butch. “The Scottser told me that he had a deep admiration the main character—and not just because they shared the same last name! Although he thought that was pretty darn cool, too.”
Van Hollen said the fact that Gov. Walker enjoys hitting the town, listening to hip music and watching B-rate television reveals that he is not just another caviar eating politico.
“Scott Walker is very much a man of the people,” Van Hollen said with tears of admiration rolling down his cheeks. “I really may hate that techno garbage, but at the end of the day, I couldn’t ask to be working with a more chill governor.”
