Are there any genuine men out there? I’ve had female friends complain that all men are manipulative creatures who always have some type of hidden agenda, and I have found myself constantly coming to the defense of the male species. No longer will I do this. For now, I agree. Never trust a man with a smile and never give his small talk the time of day.
Every time a man has approached me at the gym, I’ve always wanted to believe that he was just friendly and outgoing like myself or really was interested in my opinion. However, as I’m sure many females can attest, if a guy starts talking to you at the SERF, it’s probably not because he wants advice on how to strengthen his external rotators so his disproportionate kyphotic posture—due to excessive bench pressing—doesn’t lead to further shoulder impingement.
“But what could he possibly want from me?” I asked myself as my most recent gym conversation drifted from working out to when I have free time. Past experience has taught me that for some reason I give off gay vibes, but I’ve since learned to take measures to clear up any confusion about my sexuality by judiciously referencing females in my life that may or may not actually exist. “Yeah, these squats are going to make my glutes sooo sore. It’s a good thing I have a small posse of ladies to massage my muscles and spoon feed me protein shakes.”
Now I know men can also be clueless, but I thought this proclamation of unabashed heterosexuality would be enough to deflect any man’s romantic advances. Yet, they continued coming. This time it was in the form of unearned flattery: He told me, “You seem like a personable, ambitious, confident, outgoing, determined individual.”
My first thought upon hearing this was what any person would think after hearing a complete stranger describe him with a bunch of vague qualities everyone likes to think they possess: “What an insincere flatterer,” I thought. “I’ll bet he says that to everyone. He doesn’t even know me.”
However, my second thought was, “Well everything he said has been true. Maybe I give off those vibes as well.”
I accepted his compliments, perhaps naively, as being genuine and continued the conversation. I worried that in doing so I would send the wrong signals, but much to my relief his motivations started to reveal themselves as he proceeded to ask me a slew of innocuous-sounding questions psychologists call a yes-set.
He started with something anyone would say yes to: “Do you wish you had more time?” YES. Next: “Do you wish you had more money?” YES. Thankfully, after two questions, I became privy to his seedy games because if I hadn’t, pretty soon I’d be saying yes to, “Would you like to spend your Friday nights going door to door trying to sell diabetic grandmothers sugar-free candy as pawn in our multi-level marketing scheme?”
I then called him out: “So all of this has just been over some stupid business venture?” He vehemently denied it, told me I was unique and proceeded to draw his business model, which, when finished, was a three-sided figure with a wide base and point on top. Geometry has never been my strong suit, but this was either a pyramid or a really bad Christmas tree. Since the triangle didn’t have a funny doll with a halo on top, I was inclined to believe it was a pyramid.
Next time an overly friendly man approaches you at the gym, save yourself the time and anxiety and just say, “I don’t want anything to do with your pyramid scheme, Mr. Ponzi. I hope your company relocates to Egypt and you get marred in a protest.” Maybe he just wants a spot, but it’s not worth the risk. Plus, then you can avoid completely humiliating yourself by thinking his advances are because of your good looks.
Tired of getting hit on or conned into a business venture while workin’ on your fitness? Share your frustrations with Elliot by e-mailing him at ignasiak@wisc.edu.
