In my post-Halloween Facebook creep spree, I encountered pictures of a high school girl wearing next to nothing. Now, I understand that Madison’s Halloween is a battle between boobs and hypothermia. What was unsettling about these pictures was that she and her husband were holding their baby in the pictures. Now, I hate babies in general because they suck at everything. They somehow manage to simultaneously be less athletic than Adele, uglier than the whole Osborne family, and stupider than President Bush. Second of all, high school parents are a terrifying concept. GIRLS CAN’T GET PREGNANT ON TOP. Haven’t you ever seen “Knocked Up?”
She got me thinking about the messages parents send their kids. I think the most important thing parents can do is teach their kids what is right and what is wrong. My understanding of right and wrong comes partly from Christianity being shoved down my throat since birth but mostly from “Hey Arnold,” “Doug” and “Pepper Anne” (don’t hate). And most of the lessons and virtues the shows taught me were great. However, there are some widely accepted lessons that are like padded bras—misleading and disappointing.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” This idiom was probably started by ugly people. Judging things based on appearance is one of the most important human skills, not to mention the driving force behind evolution. No one reads the Bible simply because the cover is fucking boring. Herman Cain will undoubtedly be president simply because he used the image of a mustachioed man smoking a cigarette in his campaign. His image is now way cooler than President Obama’s. My point is that analyzing based on appearance is one of the most helpful tools humans can employ.
“Honesty is the best policy.” There are many variations to this one. Ironically, Christians tend to be the ones who really support this senseless piece of advice. White lies are the backbone of every relationship. Seeing Kim Kardashian’s marriage fail makes me think her lying abilities must stop at faking orgasms in sex tapes. There are things you simply cannot be honest about, like telling your TA you can’t understand a word he says or your girlfriend you fantasize about Zooey Des chanel. The truth will not set you free; in some cases it’ll get you locked up. That last sentence came from OJ Simpson’s book.
So I guess my point is that some things we accept as kids simply aren’t true. You sometimes have to judge based on appearance, tell a white lie, and learn something new. And unless you are going to breastfeed your kid until he’s 18 then please, teen moms, put those breastesis back in the trashy nurse costume.
Disillusioned by the life lessons your parents taught you as a wee one? Got better advice from “Pepper Anne” than mommy dearest? Share your experiences with Ben at stoffelrosal@wisc.edu.
