Over the last month, a group of drooling, passionate and eerily determined "safety first!" hound-dogs have barked up UW-Madison's tree for more formalized survival plans when an inevitable disaster annihilates campus.
According to its Facebook page, the UW Disaster Resistance University Committee's official mission on campus is to "Brainstorm thunderous safety strategies in the event a highly probable skull-crushing catastrophe leads to mass death at UW-Madison-leaving streets filled with blood, our beloved Bucky dead and mangled on the roof of Microbial Sciences and keeping only the Short Course dorms alive to represent our alma mater [...] the horrors."
In designing plans to circumvent this inescapable fate, the group has taken it upon itself to instigate a series of successful disaster simulations, including pounding a tornado through the center of campus and concocting a biochemical gas explosion that accidentally took out half of Sterling and mutated a family of innocent ducks (Information on the status of the ducks is pending).
"You know, it's really about survival in the face of any threat Wisconsin is going to fall victim to: acid rain, sink holes, a zombie and/or leg-growing shark apocalypse, those worms as big as a bus in Tremors. It's not a matter of if, but when," DRUC project manager Tom McClintoc said.
McClintoc believes these simulations give the committee a real feel for disasters students will have to deal with, and thus provide the group with the most accurate information for safety strategy planning.
"We want students to stop, drop and roll. Not stop, drop and roll into their graves," McClintoc said.
The group says its next meeting will center around preparations for the end of the world. As the Mayan calendar predicts our last day on earth will fall in December of 2012, the committee is already searching for a freshman virgin to sacrifice to the gods when such an event arises.
If interested in volunteering for the position, please contact the DRUC at die4bucky@wisc.edu.
