Erica,
My question is about orgasms. I orgasm regularly when I masturbate or when my boyfriend fingers me or gives me oral, and sometimes I orgasm during sex. The thing is that it usually takes me a lot longer than my boyfriend. What I would like to know is if there is any way that I could cum faster so that we could cum together during intercourse. He is great about making sure that I have an orgasm if he cums before I do, but it would be great if we could finish together. (I am a girl, just fyi.)
—Slowpoke
While it’s a little ironic that I’m dividing my response to this question into two separate columns, I’m going to continue to respond to Slowpoke’s question today. Last week, we talked about ways female-bodied people can have orgasms more quickly and reliably during penetration. Today, we’re going to talk about the related but distinct issue of the tandem orgasm.
Having your orgasm at the same time as your partner is all about individual control. Movies would have us believe it’s nothing more than magic, but odds are very good that in real life, it will require some practice. Both partners will need to learn how to speed their own orgasm up and how to slow it down in order to let loose only when they know their partner is ready, too.
To start gaining that kind of control, start solo. Masturbating allows you to focus entirely on yourself. You won’t have any outside pressure to last longer or come more quickly as you figure out how to do both. You also won’t need to worry about where your partner is on their own path to orgasm. While masturbating, see if you can bring yourself just to the brink of orgasm, then pull yourself back from the edge. See if you can figure out the exact combination of strokes, pressures and fantasies to give yourself an orgasm in just a few minutes.
A key part of this kind of orgasm training is mental. Our brains are powerful sex organs, and they can help us rein it in or pick up the pace. If we’re focusing on something else—next week’s exam, what to have for dinner or even just our breathing—that can allow us to delay the big moment. On the flip side, if we have a sexy fantasy going on in our minds, then we can help ourselves sprint to the finish.
Physical tricks can help slow things down, too. We talked last week about ways to speed things along, but that’s only half the equation. If we’re almost there but our partner needs more time, then we have to learn to hold it back if we want to have that big moment together.
Sometimes, slowing down is literal; slow down your hands, turn down the speed on your vibrator or stop allowing yourself to thrust with your hips. However, sometimes just any kind of change will allow us to pull back. Change positions, or switch from oral to manual stimulation. The sudden change-up will allow us to reset our orgasm clocks.
Once you’ve started to master the timing of your own orgasm, start practicing during partner sex. When you’re with your partner, get loud. From a practical standpoint, it will be difficult to sync your orgasm with your partner’s if you don’t know when they’re going to climax. Talk to your partner throughout. Tell them you’re getting close. If you’re getting too close too soon, then try some of your mental or physical techniques for delay. If you’re a little behind, then bring in your favorite techniques from masturbation or conjure up a sexy fantasy for a turbo boost.
As a bonus, hearing your partner enjoy sex is hot. Listening to your partner’s pleasure—especially the sounds of their shortly-before-orgasm pleasure—might do a lot to help yours along.
Ultimately, Slowpoke, having orgasms together with your boyfriend isn’t just about helping you to have yours faster. Hopefully, some of the tips from last week will help you pick up your pace, but have a chat with your partner about your goals. In reality, this won’t work if it’s just a goal of yours—from start to finish, it needs to be something the two of you shoot for together.
Need more help controlling your fantisizing? Want to learn more tricks of the trade? E-mail Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com and sychronize that big finale.
