Dear Erica,
Do you have any advice on how to know whether or not someone is the “right one?”…I have always thought that I would wait until I am married to have sex [but]…my boyfriend and I have been together for a very long time and I’m starting to wonder if that’s what I really want. How do I know how to make the right decision?
I know this is probably a little boring for you, but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
—Indecisive Doubtful Kid
I’m sure this isn’t the answer you want, IDK, but in reality, there’s no way to know how to make the right decision.
Relationships and emotions don’t always go as expected or planned. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, and sometimes it can even be part of what makes sex exciting. But it does mean that there are no guarantees that one day from now, one year from now or one decade from now we won’t look back on our first time with ambivalence, sadness or regret.
Don’t get me wrong—lots and lots of people look back fondly at their first time, too. But sometimes, people do make mistakes or do things they wish they hadn’t.
If you can come to terms with that, then I think that’s the single best indicator that you’re ready. If you’re looking for magic rainbows, soul fusion, glitter orgasms and all these things that we sometimes get told our super special “first time” should be—well, maybe you’ll get it, but I think you stand a good chance of being disappointed.
But if you’re looking to learn about yourself, to learn about your partner, to laugh at yourself and to enjoy the ride, then I think those chances for disappointment or regret are much smaller.
Another key tip-off that things are heading in the right direction is good communication. Can you talk to your partner about sex? Can you tell them what you (think you) want, and what feels good? Have you talked about STIs and/or contraception? If you feel too awkward or uncomfortable to have these discussions, or if your partner blows you off or dismisses your concerns, then it’s probably a better idea to wait.
Sexual activity should always—always, always, always—be a choice. This is true whether the choice is a life philosophy or applied to a single instance, whether it is applied to one partner or all potential partners.
And there are no right or wrong choices. What we’ve learned or decided about sex and our sexual partners is part of who we are, but it doesn’t define us as people.
Finally, about this “boring” thing—poppycock. First of all, I really dig it when people e-mail me. It makes me feel all warm and happy in special places. Second of all, as an undergrad and now as a med student, I have been talking with other Badgers about sex for years (years, I tell you), and the subject of virginity and whether to lose it or keep it comes up repeatedly. It’s a big question, and it’s a common one. Some people might have moved past this particular question in our sexual journeys, but whether the decision is before us or behind us, we all can relate.
Dear Erica,
I’m a huge fan of [your column] and I’ve been obsessing about this for months… Do you like boys or girls?
—Hoping
Yes.
Feel free to e-mail Erica with anymore of your burning questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
