SCIENCE
Allen Mendax, a scientist working in a lab in Seattle, Wash., claims to have discovered a new species of spider. The discovery came shortly after colleagues heard a distinctly feminine-sounding scream from his laboratory. They found Mendax shortly after, curled in the fetal position and babbling incoherently about a “two-foot-long spider”.
Although none of the other scientists saw the spider, Mendax maintains that it was gigantic and terrifying.
“The spider was humongous, easily over two feet in length, and I could see the hatred in its eyes as it glared at me. Even though they laughed, any of my colleagues would have reacted the same way.”
Mendax hypothesizes that the spider was a member of the genus Tegenaria, a group including the hobo spider and several other species commonly found in the northwestern U.S. Tentatively naming it Tegenaria verus (verus meaning “for reals” in Latin), he believes the spider came straight from the fires of Hell but admits the possibility that it evolved due to the liberal use of pesticides.
Mendax explained that recent decreases in insect populations due to pesticide use could have led large specimens of T. agrestis to seek a new food source, namely mammals. This shift in diet may have caused the evolution of T. verus as it filled a new diet niche.
In addition to T. verus’s evolution in size, it appears the spider developed other novel physical features as well. According to Mendax the spider had a bright silver exoskeleton over its abdomen. He characterized it as “very hard…probably made of adamantium or the plastic shell they sell electronics in, you know, the one you need a hatchet to open,” adding that it was tough enough to withstand his attempts to crush the spider.
The behavior of the T. verus is still ambiguous as Mendax observed the creature for only a short time. However, he speculates the spider could run 100 miles per hour.
When asked about the spider’s diet, Mendax replied, “I’m not sure, but it looked like it could eat several humans easily.” Members of Tegenaria generally do not have venom that is fatal to humans, but Mendax hypothesized that “the damn thing probably just swallows its prey whole.”
He also claims that T. verus sprays a mysterious chemical when it attacks. Chemical analysis on a sample recovered from Mendax’s pants revealed that it is nearly identical in composition to human urine.
Many scientists remain skeptical of Mendax’s discovery, most notably Dr. Terry Achnid.
“It is obvious that Mendax has fabricated a new species to cover up the embarrassment of being frightened by an ordinary spider and soiling himself,” Dr. Achnid said. “Furthermore, even if such a species were real, it certainly wouldn’t be a threat to humans.”
According to Dr. Achnid, there is no previous data indicating that any species of spider would evolve to eat humans whole.
“Spiders are our friends, they mean no harm to us. I urge all humans to go out and embrace their arachnid allies. Remember, when a spider bites you, it is only expressing its love.”
He later went on to say that everyone should sleep with their doors and windows open and lather themselves with butter and garlic before going to bed.
