The Wisconsin men’s basketball team revealed Wednesday its loss against Syracuse can be attributed not to a botched final possession or inability to shoot anything other than three-pointers, but instead to the wrong Ryan Evans suiting up for the Badgers.
In an e-mail to The Daily Cardinal, head coach and anger simulation automaton Bo Ryan revealed that because of a mix-up on the team charter, Cardinal sports editor Ryan Evans took the court in Boston instead of flat-topped junior guard Ryan Evans.
The sports editor apparently was told to report to Dane County Regional Airport for the team flight to the Sweet 16 last week, and went there thinking it was for a press conference. After a gate attendant took his name, Evans was escorted onto the team charter flight and forced to play against Syracuse in Wisconsin’s loss last Thursday.
Without the hairstyle, coordination and general athletic competence of the right Ryan Evans, the mystified sports editor struggled on the court while often shouting toward his coach, “How did I get here? Stop yelling at me!”
“I was far from pleased by the performance of HUMANOID MALE RYAN EVANS, and I later learned it was because of a problem with INFERIOR HUMAN AIR TRANSPORTATION,” Ryan told The Daily Cardinal. “It caused me DEFAULT EMOTION: RAGE.”
Evans attempted to defend his utter lack of skill after the game, saying he was unprepared for Thursday’s game.
“Everyone moved so fast!” a sobbing Evans said, clearly still disoriented in the locker room. “And when they shot the ball it actually went in—every time I shot Scoop Jardine just blocked it back into my face while laughing maniacally. It wasn’t fair, damnit!”
The actual basketball player Ryan Evans was reportedly spotted being held at sword-point in the Cardinal office Thursday night, screaming while he watched the game and laid out the day’s sports page.
“It’s a shame CORRECT HUMANOID RYAN EVANS could not join us at the COMPETITION OF COLLEGIATE BASKET BALL,” Bo Ryan said. He began his next sentence, “It reminds me of my time back in ORGANIC BIRTHING LOCATION CHESTER PENNSYLVANIA...” but was drowned out by a collective groan from assembled reporters.
