State representatives expressed frustration Thursday after a prominent mining company allegedly broke a pinky promise when legislators failed to pass a bill easing Wisconsin mining regulations.
Members of mining corporation Tocebic Gagonite (TGag) are reportedly now “throwing a total shitfit,” according to company insiders.
Records uncovered during an ongoing redistricting investigation reveal the pinky promise took place at the state Capitol late last October.
A Senate spokesperson said legislators who participated in the promise swore to “pass legislation drafted by the company as written, and as quickly as possible.” TGag in turn promised to build a mine in Northwoods Wisconsin, bringing jobs to one of the state’s most impoverished regions. Senators refused to compromise, the bill failed and TGag reportedly dissolved the pinky promise just two hours later.
“We get the message,” TGag CEO Will Billiams said in a statement. “We will take our business elsewhere—somewhere with lots of iron and less bitchy politicians.”
Billiams is currently holed up in his Hurely, Wis., hotel room, ordering “thousands of dollars in room service” and angstily playing Bright Eyes on repeat. When Daily Cardinal reporters asked for further comment, Billiams loudly slurred “I DON WANNA!” through his hotel room door.
Meanwhile, state politicians are scrambling to figure out what went wrong in budget negotiations.
Republicans blamed moderate Senate Republican and all-around badass Sen. Dale Schultz, R-Richland Center.
Schultz himself countered that he brought up valid environmental concerns while Senate Republicans unanimously responded by sticking both fingers in their ears and chiming, “JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!” until Schultz was effectively drowned out.
With barely disguised glee, Democrats accused Republicans of killing jobs by not compromising on a bill that they themselves did not vote for.
As negotiations, or total lack thereof, continue, Billiams’ mining colleagues worry their company president’s “liver and stomach just can’t take it much longer.”
“It’s really getting bad,” confided co-worker Emma Rollerson. “While this partisan bickering continues, poor old Will is eating and drinking himself to death on cheap hotel food.”
Another anonymous source, definitely not Billiams’ mother, was more blunt.
“He needs to stop throwing this tantrum and just get the hell out of Wisconsin,” she said. “My Willy’s too good for this state anyway!”
The rest of TGag’s leaders have yet to stop sulking at a local bar, where they take their hands off their drinks only to give the TV the middle finger whenever political news comes on.
