It is an unjust world we live in. Kate Upton stumbled upon huge success because she was seen doing the Dougie at a Los Angeles Clippers game, but my college degree cannot currently guarantee I am free from the world of “Would you like fries with that?” Well played, universe. Well played.
In a culture like this, it can be difficult to keep perspective. I am a graduating senior, so one would suspect the time for rational, purposeful decision-making is now. My wandering mind would suggest otherwise. Now is, apparently, the time for pipe dreams.
Instead of filling out applications that will dropkick me into a life of coffee runs and depressingly low pay, I have become an imaginary entrepreneur. With the first rule of business being know your customer, my hypothetical ventures are based on what I, a UW-Madison student, wish this near-perfect town included. Sure, these plans may only serve as daydreams between perusals of BuckyNet and calls from Mom asking if I have found employment yet, but better that than watching yet another episode of “30 Rock.” So today, this column will function as a sort of pitch meeting sans the scary dudes in suits.
Dog-rental business
I find myself coming home roughly five nights a week and thinking, “All I want in the world is to snuggle with my dog right now.” Whether it was a tough day in the classroom, at the office or on the town, there is nothing quite like the unconditional love of a puppy to make you smile.
Alas, at the hands of Steve Brown and his sadistic pet policy, I live a depressing, dogless existence, and I would venture to guess I am not the only student falling victim to this plight.
Enter my first business scheme: Rent a Pet! Although the name suggests I would offer a variety of animals, I will actually just provide pups. First off, most apartments allow cats, so I worry about the lack of demand. Also, cats are Satan manifest and not nearly as delightful as they are in memes.
Failed that big exam? Come pick up Delilah, a loveable English bulldog who will keep on smiling even when you cannot. Don’t have a date for Friday night? Rent Oscar, a fierce but charming Rottweiler who will happily share a steak with you at the Tornado Room. Looking to revel in this spring weather? Your answer is Nico, a fun-loving Corgi who will happily play fetch with you in one of Madison’s six beautiful dog parks (please excuse that shameless plug from this parks intern). Friendship is right down the street at Rent a Pet, and it will only run you $15 an hour.
Soda shoppe-themed bar
The Madison bar scene is fun because it is so diverse. If you want to imbibe traditional Wisconsin beverages, go to the Old Fashioned. If you want to intake a lot of calories, go “share” a Wando’s fishbowl with friends. If you want to turn the bro knob up to 11, go to Kollege Klub.
The one type of bar I wish Madison had in better supply is the dance bar. Just as I find myself proclaiming the need for a dog, I similarly find myself shouting each weekend, “I just want to dance!” Seeing as I am no longer a freshman comfortable with browsing Mills Street for a five-dollars-per-cup-unless-your-shirt-is-tight-enough house party, my options are in short supply. To those thinking, “What about Whiskey Jack’s?”: No. For the love of God and all Her holy shenanigans NO. Moving on...
The type of dance bar I am proposing is unique. I love to get down to Beyoncé as much as the next person, but sometimes a gal just needs to drink chocolate malts and do the twist.
Enter JQ’s, a 1950s style soda shoppe complete with spiked milkshakes and a black-and-white checkered dance floor. It would be a place for the crazy kids of Madison to throw on their poodle skirts and button-ups, discuss the Sputnik situation and get down to the likes of Buddy Holly and Sam Cooke.
Culver’s owner/operator
This one is very simple. I will open a Culver’s franchise on State Street, because I do not understand how the hell this has not happened yet. Sure, this is the “Would you like fries with that?” world I scorned just 700 words ago, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do when a ButterBurger is in question.
Are you planning to steal one of Jacqueline’s brilliant business concepts? Be careful, dude. She may sue you for intellectual property theft because “The Social Network” taught her that was a thing. Instead, hop on board with Jacqueline by e-mailing her at jgoreilly@dailycardinal.com. Together, all of your business dreams will come true!
