Dear Erica,
I just started dating this guy who very recently (like a couple of months [ago]) got out of a two-year relationship. Things have been going pretty good so far [but]….he told me he and his ex are still trying to be friends…I want to be the cool girlfriend who is okay with this, but honestly…it just gets to me and I don’t know why. They hang out…going to movies, etc. Is that weird? Am I being crazy? Should I talk to him about this, and how would I do that? Should I just get out before he gets back with her anyway? Please help, I feel like a crazy person.
—Crazy New Girlfriend
You’re not a crazy person, CNG, but I do think your e-mail is crazy complicated, given that you asked me like five questions there. I’m going to try to tackle it piece by piece.
Starting with the concept of weirdness—maybe it’s a little uncommon, but by no means is it impossible for someone to remain on friendly terms with an ex. Not all romantic or sexual relationships end with screaming and hatred. Sometimes, people naturally part ways, or they come to realize they work very well together as friends but romance just isn’t there.
Think about the non-sex parts of your own relationship that you enjoy—stupid jokes, long runs together on weekends, trying out new restaurants. Sure, you enjoy them in part because you like spending time with your boyfriend, but if things didn’t work out, wouldn’t you still enjoy those activities? Can you make room for the possibility that it still might be nice to have a platonic companion who knows your sense of humor, your running style and your favorite ethnic cuisine?
That said, I think most reasonable people could acknowledge that it might feel weird for someone to learn that their new partner is still so chummy with their ex, so it’s completely legit for you to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. “I want to be the cool girlfriend who is okay with this, but honestly…it just gets to me and I don’t know why” is a great place to start.
From that starting point, have a plan in mind. I don’t think your boyfriend has any obligation to limit his time with his ex. He may be willing to do this, but I don’t think it’s fair for you to demand it; ultimately, this is your problem, not his. If it’s a deal-breaker for you, that’s fine—we all have the right to choose what we will and will not tolerate in relationships—but we don’t have the right to demand our partner change in order to please us.
I think a better idea is to have certain activities designated as “your” activities. For example, if the two of you really love watching bad horror movies together, then watching bad horror movies is something only the two of you will do. He and his ex can go to comedies or action flicks or whatever, but horror movies are something special he only does with his girlfriend—you. Alternatively, you could have a designated time that is “yours,” e.g. every other Friday night is clearly and always demarcated for the two of you.
This isn’t meant to “schedule” you time or activities with your bf, but it is meant to help define and maintain an explicit separation between your relationship and his relationship with his ex. It might help you chill out to know exactly what that separation is—and to have had a hand in engineering it.
Finally, since we’ve spent all day talking about new relationships, I want to invite interested new sex columnists to contact me about writing next year. Folks, med school is hard and I am getting old, and this will be my last semester writing for the Dirty Bird. I know plenty of you out there have opinions about sex, and I’m willing to bet plenty of you have opinions that you’d just love to expound upon in print. So shoot me an email at sex@dailycardinal.com and we’ll chat about making that happen.
Think you’ve got enough sexiness to do Erica’s job? Or just want more advice on tackling those pesky ex’s? Then e-mail Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com, before someone else jumps on the opportunity.
