Dear Erica,
Very briefly, my question is: how do you make yourself want to have sex more? In more detail: I’ve got a sexy partner and a very satisfying sex life, but we only get it on once or twice a week. I’d love to get more action, and I think he’d like it too. Please help us!
—Wanting More
So, you have “a sexy partner and a very satisfying sex life.” And… What exactly is the problem?
It’s certainly true that frequency is a component of a very satisfying sex life, but the frequency at which sex is satisfying is arbitrary and likely to change as we move through relationships and life stages. Personally, I think having exceptional sex once or twice a week is vastly preferable to having mundane, obligatory sex everyday because that’s how often you feel like you “should” be doing it.
That said, here are some ideas if you want to knock boots more often. First, make a conscious effort to think sexy thoughts more frequently. When you find yourself losing focus during class, refocus for a few minutes on sex and/or your partner. Set an alarm on your phone to vibrate and flash “SEX! YAY!” throughout the day. Wear your best hoping-to-get-laid underwear to get little reminders every time you go pee.
This can be a joint effort with that sexy partner of yours. Have them update you via text with their sexy thoughts. Leave a dirty note in your partner’s backpack before they head off to class. The idea is for both of you to come home with sex on the brain, with the goal of translating that mental energy into physical action.
One other trick is to deny yourselves for a little while. Many of us, especially as we stay with our partners for longer periods of time, fall into a pattern where all romantic roads—making out, date night, etc.—lead to sex at the end. As counterintuitive as it seems, take all orgasm-inducing activity (including masturbation) off the table for a pre-determined amount of time—three days, one week, two weeks.
However, (and this is key)—when it comes to all activities which don’t result in orgasm, all systems are go. Make out a lot. Give your partner a long massage. Accidentally forget to close the bathroom door when you get in the shower so your partner gets a good eyeful. The idea is to make yourselves desire each other and refusing to allow yourselves to satisfy that desire will let it build. Not only is the sex likely to be fantastic when your sex prohibition expires, but that built-up desire can persist long afterward.
Finally, if you want to have more sex, then simply have more sex. Sometimes it can take time for our brains and our bodies to sync up. If your partner is willing, start to take some steps in the sex direction together, even when your brain isn’t 100 percent on board yet—make out, touch each other, watch porn together. Often, once we get over the activation energy, our bodies will get into the groove and the action will continue spontaneously.
Best of luck, WM, and I hope you manage to become even more satisfied with your hot partner and hot sex life. For those of you who will have a little more time on your hands next year and are interested in writing the sex column, listen up!
Due to the volume of responses I’ve received from interested parties, I’m printing the “audition” criteria so everyone can take their best shot. For a list of the questions, email me and send your responses (600-700 words) and a cover letter to sex@dailycardinal.com. You may write on more than one if you choose; these are questions which either arrive in my inbox every year or hold special importance to me as a sex educator. Deadline for submissions is Monday, May 7. Go get ‘em, tigers!
You heard her. Start writin’ and send ’em on over to sex@dailycardinal.com.
