I started writing the sex column first at the Badger Herald and then at The Daily Cardinal. I was an undergrad. It was 2008. I started writing because I thought I had a lot of training and knowledge I could share on subjects about which training and knowledge weren’t always readily accessible. I wasn’t sure how well the column would be received, and I certainly didn’t expect to be writing for several years. The reason I did is because of you. Students wrote in with their own questions and issues. Some weeks, I had more e-mails than I had time to answer. I made referrals, sent private e-mails and published some columns for the paper. I like to think I made a difference, and I like to think people learned from me.
But really, what kept me checking my inbox is what I learned from you. I learned about sex, I learned about people and I learned about myself. I’ve thought many times that the sex columnist should be someone younger (I’m 25, which may or may not seem old to you, but trust that when you’re this age and you see/hear all the undergrads gearing up for Mifflin, you will feel old as hell), sexier, more in touch with campus, but I just couldn’t give it up—you all are so interesting, so inspiring, so amazing.
I learned sex is important. Of course, I always knew this, and that’s why I started writing—but you crystallized just how much sex matters. When we have sex (or when we choose not to), we can learn, teach, give, receive, love, lust, express, explore, laugh, cry, open, close, release, validate, respect, subvert, enjoy, connect, share, create, stop.
Tell me that’s not important. Tell me that doesn’t matter. Tell it to the women who’ve never had orgasms who write to me worried something is wrong with them. Tell it to the men who have found out their partners have histories of sexual assault, who write to me worried they aren’t supporting them the way they deserve to be supported. Tell it to the students questioning their sexual identities, their sexual desires and their sexual relationships, who write to me telling me they’ve never told anyone this before.
I learned to pick my battles. The vast majority of correspondence I receive is positive, curious and authentic. I love checking my e-mail. However, sometimes I get feedback from people who are “very, very against” my “ignorant, ill-informed” column, which is responsible for the “moral decline” of campus (and probably the universe) into the “ugly feminist” throes of “abortion, homosexuality and pornagraphy.” Slutty, slut, whore, bitchcunt, slut.
This used to really bug me. But you know, there are two types of people in the world: reasonable people and Glenn Grothman. I realized the time I spent dealing with the Grothmans of the world was time I wasn’t spending doling out fornication advice to slutty unmarried homo abortionists. And if no one had time to teach the sluts, then the terrorists had already won.
I learned what I believe in. Even though I learned to ignore the rare BS that did show up, I found there are some things that I can’t let go. That’s why, sprinkled in with blowjob pointers, STI info and anal tips, you’ll also find disgust for Pro-Life Wisconsin’s lies about emergency contraception, critique of elected officials who pass legislation harmful to the health of Wisconsin citizens and outrage over the campus climate surrounding sexual assault. You taught me what matters, what I believe, why I believe it and how to defend it.
I learned how to be a better lover. I don’t always know the answers to the questions people ask. Often, I have an idea of where to start, but then I start thinking, “Hm. I wonder if this would work.” And then it’s time for research. Sometimes that research comes from a book, a class, an expert or sometimes from my bedroom. I don’t keep a lab notebook next to my bed, but you prompted me to think, experiment, problem-solve and try new things. I practiced asking my partners (bless their ever-so-patient, understanding hearts) to experiment, problem-solve and try new things. I practiced communicating about desires, boundaries, expectations and pleasure.
In short, dear readers, you have inspired me to do all of the things I hope I have inspired you to do. So thank you, my fellow Badgers, for joining me on this crazy, sexy journey. Whether you regarded my column as frivolous entertainment, useful advice or distasteful garbage, reading and writing for you has been a humbling honor and a genuine pleasure. Warm thanks to each and every one of you for coming with me.
E-mail your final burning questions to Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com.
