Once every year, two newspapers battle on a field of mud, sweat and more than occasionally blood and (Herald) tears. Such will be the case when The Daily Cardinal faces off Friday against its long-time rival, The Badger Herald, in their annual flag football game.
After half a year of embarrassing its counterpart in print, The Cardinal will transition from wiping the beer-soaked Cardinal floors with The Herald to wiping the field with its not-so-worthy opponent.
Sports writers Taylor Valentine, Arts Editor Marina Oliver and Managing Editor Alex DiTullio will lead the onslaught in a three-pronged quarterback force more formidable than the three-headed dog guarding the Sorcerer’s Stone.
“I’ve never seen such intensity from our guys,” co-head coach Vince Huth said. “I’ve been telling them to cut it down from four-a-days to two-a-days, but they just look up from eating tires and lifting trailers with a look that says, ‘I will eat your babies, bitch.’”
Weighing in on The Herald’s odds of upsetting the majestic bird, Badger Herald Editor in Chief Ryan Rainey said he believes his staff’s close attention to detail will “aide” them to victory.
“Just like the Memorial Union fire extinguished, we will extinguish The Cardinal on the field,” Rainey said.
But according to co-head coach Matt Masterson, The Cardinal has a secret weapon that will first confuse and eventually wear down even the largest Herald lineman.
Standing 5’2” and weighing in at 90 pounds, offensive lineman Mara Jezior aka “the Jeziorasaurus” is shiftier than Steve Buscemi’s eyes. Similar to a golden gun, Jezior is living proof that power does not necessarily correlate with size.
“There’s only one animal in this joint that can spread its wings and fly,” said Jezior. “And it’s not a fucking badger.”
