Halloween in Madison is my own personal brand of Hell. Yes, you heard me correctly: I hate one of the most beloved occasions this party school still touts as a worthwhile celebration. And by Halloween, I of course mean Freakfest.
Freakfest goes beyond the realm of being simply “not fun” in my rankings of annual celebrations into one of the most shudder-inspiring events of the year. But hey now, I wasn’t always this bitter.
I remember my first visit to Madison, when my new Badger friends and I agreed we simply could not wait until our first experience of this fall tradition.
There’s something to be said for performance issues when overly excited. The sheer anticipation for this event makes it equally as easy to ruin—the bigger they are, the harder they fall and all that.
This year I am a senior, which means I’ve been forced to endure three years of Freakfest. Here are some highlights.
Freshman year: I’m forced to dodge the remnants of projectile vomit and belligerent Ninja Turtles in the hallways of Sellery on my way to the bathroom for a wet rag to help me clean up the bile of not one, but two of my friends—one male, one female—who thought the best way to abate the cold was by abating memory, feeling and common sense.
I believe I heard “Let’s be nine shots deep by 9 o’clock!” shouted at one point. In case it isn’t obvious to you already, let me note that this is not a good idea. Freakfest of 2009 blew because it made everyone so excited that they got too drunk to actually go to Freakfest.
Sophomore year: It didn’t help that I was unrecognizably dressed up as a glowworm, but this year was lame because half of my friends wanted to hit the streets while the others were perfectly content at a house party. This event tears friendships apart, I say!
Junior year: Even when trying to avoid Freakfest I could not escape it. This thing essentially shuts down the whole city. I was on Johnson Street and my friends and I wanted to get somewhere off on Langdon, but this 10-minute walk soon turned into a two-mile trek as we were forced to venture all the way around the Capitol to avoid paying to pass through the accursed street. The party we got to wasn’t even fun and we walked all the way back. Eff.
And for my three years of experience, what have I got to show for it? Well, three tips for how to survive this most wicked of weekends so you don’t have to look back on them with my level of scorn.
Problem 1: You accidentally buy a ticket to this overrated event, and you want to be sure your money is not wasted.
Solution: Really now, what’s $8-12? Don’t be afraid to scrap the whole shebang for something more fun. However, if you’re set on partaking in this pernicious party, keep in mind alcohol often helps dull the pain, though please heed my freshman year experience—pace yourselves, kids. You could also play a game with yourself where you try to scare as many waste-o people as possible; they might hate you for it, but at least you’ll be entertained.
Problem 2: The coordinators of Freakfest booked a band like Third Eye Blind. Again.
Solution: OK, so this year Big Gigantic will play on State Street and they are actually phenomenal musicians, but I’m assuming most of you clip my articles and save them in a file or display them on your refrigerator for future viewing, so keep this nugget of advice handy in case you need it down the road. My freshman year, Third Eye Blind were the main attraction for the freaks of the street, and while “Jumper” will forever remain one of the top-10 singles of the ’90s, that’s really all they’ve got. In 2010 they booked OKGO, another one-hit wonder, and last year they made All Time Low the main attraction. This is not very exciting. State Street is not the only place with live tunes this Saturday; take advantage of Madison’s music scene. The Majestic, WUD Music, Segredo, Mickey’s Tavern, Dragonfly Lounge and Inferno all have quite viable, and likely less-crowded options for your listening pleasure.
Problem 3: You’re cold.
Solution: Wear a costume instead of lingerie. I’m not trying to hold a double standard here, but girls, this one’s for you—guys, if you want to wear minimal clothing and deal with the shrinkage, so be it, as long as your teeny weenie isn’t visible. It’s late October in Wisconsin and the low is 32 degrees Fahrenheit this Saturday. You knew this was going to happen, so don’t try and pretend like weather colder than a witch’s tit is something new this time of year.
I fear Freakfest will forever be linked with Madison’s Halloween tradition, but this doesn’t mean you have to be a part of it. Take my advice and avoid it like the plague. You’ll at the very least have an all-hallows weekend you can remember.
Witch about Freakfest to Jaime at jbrackeen@wisc.edu.
