Throughout my life I’ve been lucky enough to travel and fly a lot. Going to school 1,000 miles away from my native Maryland (blue crabs, whaddup?!) means that I have to fly to and from Wisconsin a lot. But this constant flux is just a perpetual reminder of how much I freaking hate flying. OK, I know I brought this on myself. But anyone can understand that the allure of a great education and an unfathomable abundance of cheese is just too great to resist.
So, because of my pursuit of education and a lactose-rich diet, I find myself flying at least five times a year to and from school. It never gets easier, though. There’s something about flying three billion feet (don’t fact check me on that, I’m not an airplane expert and this isn’t the Science Page) above the ground in a multi-ton metal box that doesn’t sit well with me.
Let me reiterate, I’m no rocket scientist. I’ve also never taken physics or whatever science teaches the principles of flight. And because I don’t entirely understand the science behind aviation, I’m in an admittedly irrational constant state of fear when flying. I tend to spend the duration of the trip stewing in my own neurosis. Every time there’s turbulence, I begin lamenting about all of the goals I won’t accomplish in my life when the plane falls out of the sky. Yes, crashing is morbid and improbable, but every time I’m in the air I still worry I’ll never have the opportunity to get married, be able to legally buy a drink at the KK, or buy my first pantsuit—you know, life’s big milestones.
However, there is one thing in which I take comfort when flying. It calms my nerves and reminds to always keep my faith alive. Nope, it’s not God. It’s SkyMall—the world’s greatest gift inventory of everything unnecessary.
The magazine equivalent of an infomercial marathon, SkyMall is only available on airplanes but has over 180 pages of useless gadgets to peruse. It’s like Brookstone but without the imposing salesperson implying you’re trying to steal an electronic nose hair trimmer. Skymall has everything, from a backpack that is also a scooter to an armadillo conversation piece that doubles as a beer holder. If you don’t need it, they have it.
Reading about a “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti” garden sculpture helps me drown out the sound of that neglected infant wailing behind me. Appreciating the unrefined elegance of the “Bliss, Touch and Smile” wine decanters lets me forget that I’m sitting between two affectionate and hormonal teenagers. Examining the fine print of “Bling String Sparkly Hologram Hair Extensions” help me ignore the fact that our flight crew just said we’re running low on fuel and have to make an emergency stop.
Although I have never actually bought anything in SkyMall and would probably judge someone who has, it is where I find solace during a long flight where my seatmate is drooling on me. I do not think I will ever enjoy flying, but I have to say, as weird as it may be, looking at a $200 16th century Italian replica of a globe puts me at ease.
What’s something that calms your nerves? Is it watching “Magic Bullet” commercials? (Because Jenna likes that too). You can share blended omlet secrets at jbushnell@dailycardinal.com.
