To the horror of peers and piss-scented dudes alike, my friend and I recently embarked on a journey to an EDM show in Madison… sober. For many readers, this may never be a possibility to consider, but allow me to enlighten you: It is an option that is as doable as it is enjoyable. I wrote this guide for people like us: the lone wolf of the Zach Galifianakis-led wolf pack that does not happen to partake in certain substances, legal or not, when attending music events. Since arriving to college, I have planted the soles of several pairs of tattered shoes upon the hardwood floors of many events, all of which I have attended sober. (Save the “You’re better than I am…” speech for someone who isn’t human.) While this mental hitchhike occurred through genres trap, indie, and the like, I discovered a formulaic approach to surviving every DJ set and underwhelming moshpit one may encounter through their time in Madison or anywhere else on the planet, no PBR necessary.
Be open-mined.
Perhaps you’re that one fifth-wheeling friend at a show you’re unfamiliar with and probably never will be. You sip the aforementioned PBR and hope for someone to grind your pretentiousness through your tight jeans. “No” exists for a wonderful reason, yet we still have not executed such a principle. Enter without preconceived notions and attempt to listen before you dismiss whatever is at hand. Or bring a friend you can hate with later.
Don’t wear nice clothes.
Now is not the time to stunt if you are not performing or relaxing from the balcony. One of the primary drawbacks of going to such a show is the fact that rudeness and douchery are almost encouraged to the point where your favorite obscure ironic t-shirt is subject to abuse from your sweat glands as well as any oncoming beverages around you. If you come with kicks you aren’t willing or intending to bestow the filth and scuffs found in the bass-drenched trenches, it is no one’s fault but your own that your investment loses shelf life prematurely due to the negligence from other people. Wear those shoes you have beaten up already, a top you’re not overtly fond of but still wear ironically, and do whatever for the bottoms as long as they’re comfortable enough to survive in. Don’t be the hypebeast of the party if you can’t handle the circumstances, and don’t dress like you want to get “chose,” as we call it. Match.com and awkward section conversations exist for this purpose.
Prepare to be violated.
Remember the douchery I mentioned? It exists. In full force. Everything I mentioned previously about the clothes remains a high possibility. Someone may feel the warm, drunken urge to pour their PBR on their neighbors in some celebratory swish of the glow-in-the-dark wristband. (It might even be the DJ.) Many people will shove past your fully-conscious frame to get to wherever they’re going. They will commence their awkward shake or fist pump in your comfort zone and every other measure of proximity. Even the security guards won’t mind you as they snatch some other kid up for not having a 21+ wristband and holding a (you guessed it) PBR. Manners are as abandoned as Macbooks that get stolen in libraries; however, this does not mean you should abandon yours. You can keep your sanity, your sanctity and your sobriety as the exception. Say your “Excuse me” and “I apologize” with conviction. Know when to distance oneself from the action, or lack thereof, depending on comfort level. When you get clutched unintentionally, it’s the perfect setting to throw it back without any real penalty if you feel buck enough. Just disguise it in the vengeful laughter and the 2 Chainz quote...you will be joined.
It’s not worth it.
This applies to everything. Don’t fight anyone over any of the situations depicted above. Common sense is still at your disposal, and you have control. Get out of the guard’s way when he tries to bounce someone for weed or molly so you won’t be the wrong target. Don’t let the gender and women’s studies-majoring bro you kinda know who just called you a “pussy” get underneath your skin… he has bigger morality issues to deal with. Fighting doesn’t solve anything at a show and it kills the vibes for everyone. If someone shoots you ice grills, let ‘em hate. You’re here, you’re sober and you’re enjoying yourself. It is possible, and I salute you.
