Dear Alex,
I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm, but I’m not exactly sure. How can I tell? Please help!
NO-Faced
This is a fantastic question, and although there are countless pages of literature about this very topic, it is still a challenge to decipher what a true orgasm feels like. Thus, and in the spirit of UW-Madison, I offer this metaphor:
An orgasm is the sexual equivalent of a Badger football game here at our own Camp Randall. Yes, it is weird. However, before you condemn this silly allegory, allow me to dissect each part of the orgasm and its very own Badgerific correspondent out on the field.
The first part of the game, the student section is pretty high energy. It is just like a person being pleasured—whether using a hand, cucumber, vibrator or another person’s various body part—feels when they just begin the process.
Halftime: While every fan is grooving to the marching band, the players are in the locker room getting pumped for the next half. The excitement is especially building in the student section, where people realize that in just a short half hour they will be hitting the jackpot.
In the third quarter the fans are less enthralled, but damn they’re glad to be there. This is the part where one’s breath begins to quicken, the pleasure is growing, growing, becoming unbearably pleasurable and then…
“JUMP AROUND, JUMP AROUND, JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!”
A huge burst of energy flows throughout your body, a sporadic release that also may cause some body spasms!
So, how do we achieve this tremendous “Jump Around” in your pants? For male-bodied people, jerking off with a hand (whoevers will do just fine!), a fleshlight or being strategically stimulated by a partner’s mouth or orifice should do the trick. For female-bodied people, stimulation of the clitoris using hands or a vibrator, receiving oral sex or being manually pleasured by your partner’s hands can lead to orgasm.
Additionally, a person with a G-spot can be brought to Camp-Randall-esque bliss by stimulation of that special area. The G-spot on female-bodied people can be found in the vagina by inserting two fingers, palm facing the ceiling, and making a “come hither” motion. Feeling the G-spot in a vagina is very similar to feeling a nose on a face: the difference between the nose and the cheek is like the difference between the G-spot and vaginal wall!
Having trouble finding this spot? Maybe your partner isn’t quite aroused enough. As female bodies have as much erectile tissue as male bodies, much of the anatomy is hidden unless a lady is all hot-and-bothered. Don’t give up, finding that treasure trove is worth the extra time put in.
The male G-spot is in a different spot entirely and is actually called the prostate. This little gland produces the milky part of sperm and can be very pleasurable to play with. Finding it is similar to finding the female G; with the male-bodied person laying down, stick a finger into the anus and make that same beckoning motion with los digitos. When you find the walnut sized spot, as my good friend Hans Landa says, “THAT’S A BINGO!” Although these tips may work for you, they do not work for everyone.
Everyone’s body is unique, and the best way to orgasm is obviously to know what you like. If you’re not sure what it is that gets you off, play around with it yourself so you can explain to a partner what makes you “Jump Around.” Learn how your body encounters the many steps of a good “Jump Around,” and understand how to feel comfortable with the process. The more relaxed you are, the higher you will jump. Good luck, and get your game face on, Badgers!
How do you “Jump Around?” Want to have your questions answered? Email Alex any comments and questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
