Dear Alex,
Is it okay if I don’t tell my new partner that I have an STI? If not, how can I tell her without scaring her away?
Help!
Although this is a difficult conversation to begin, discussing an STI with a new partner is a must. The possible risks of your partner contracting that STI, even if the two of you are careful in practicing safe sex, are such that it would be unfair to leave your partner in the dark about the infection.
The most common infections on our campus are HPV, chlamydia and herpes, in that order. The first and third of these infections are contracted via contact, which means that condoms are about 70 percent effective when used properly. Chlamydia is spread through fluids, which puts a partner at risk any time there are “flying fluids,” as Sex Out Loud cleverly calls them. Even during boob-sex, when spermies may fly into a partner’s eye, transferring chlamydia is a concern.
No matter which STI you’ve contracted, there are risks involved for a new partner. For herpes, your significant other is at risk whether or not sores are showing, although the infection is more commonly contracted during or before a flare-up. The symptoms of gonorrhea may include fever, burning and increased urination.
Chlamydia could risk a female-bodied lover being rendered infertile or cause her to have complicated pregnancy later in life. HIV (not common on campus but still a serious issue) could cause death in extreme cases.
Educating yourself on the risks of your infection for both yourself and your partner will assist in making the presentation of your STI easier. This part of the discussion is bound to be uncomfortable, but keeping your partner informed is more than just common courtesy; it could save his/her life. Hopefully, your dedication to keeping your bedroom buddies in the know will help them realize how much you care about their safety.
The next step is to become informed about the prevention methods available for your specific infection. For some infections, such as herpes, avoiding sexual relations at certain time periods is a must.
There are treatments for many STIs of the viral variety; a knowledgeable doctor can treat both HPV and herpes. For other infections, such as bacterial chlamydia, a cure is available with a prescription. If you figure out the appropriate way to handle your condition and share this info with the peanut butter to your jelly, the two of you can hopefully remain as sexually healthy as the situation allows.
Finally, study up on the treatments for your infection. Chlamydia can be cured with antibiotics, while HIV remains in an infected person’s body for their lifetime, although there are medicines available to subdue the symptoms. Herpes is less life-threatening than HIV, however it too is technically “incurable,” though there are ways to control the symptoms.
Unfortunately, your apprehension of “scaring your partner away” is a justifiable concern; many people are hesitant about increasing their risk for an STI, no matter how much they are interested in or attracted to the infected partner.
However, by having an honest conversation about the infection, describing the necessary precautions you are willing to take and asking your partner if he or she has any questions along the way, you may just find that your new partner will be open to making the situation work.
The point to remember is that your infection does not define you. Your partner should be able to respect this, and will be able to do so eventually if he or she respects you. Although it may be difficult at first, doing the research to be able to answer any of your partner’s questions will help make the process easier.
Try to create a safe space where both of you can speak your mind openly, and be sure to keep calm and allow your partner time to think if he or she needs it. Good luck!
Remember, a Badger is always honest when it counts!
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