I am not a very sensitive person, nor do I ever plan to be. I’m not the kind of person that cries during emotional movies and some may say I have a black hole where my heart should be. I simply respond by quoting the great Ron Swanson, “Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon;” both of which I have never experienced.
So when I read farewell columns in newspapers, I cringe ever so slightly. To put it bluntly, farewell columns are stupid. They are truly a waste of space in newspapers meant to report the news or elicit intellectual conversations. The goal of this article is to lay out a farewell column and explain why they are so useless. So let’s break down exactly what makes a farewell column a farewell column.
A farewell column is written by an editor who is leaving their position and moving on to something, hopefully, better. They usually start off with a list of happy memories they had while holding that desk position. Contrary to what many of you may think, I am a happy guy. So I am all for reliving those happy times in my life. But why in the world would anybody who picks up a newspaper care about that?
I’m sorry, but when I pick up a paper and turn to the arts page, for example, I intend to read a well-written article on arts, not on that time what’s-her-name got drunk and puked on the editor in chief’s desk (true story). I just don’t care. Your bowel movements are of no interest to me, however, the article on the up-and-coming band that you cut to satisfy your incessant need to be the center of attention could have been very enlightening.
Another common element in all farewell columns is the inclusion of inside jokes. This could not bother me more than anything else. If you are going to tantalize me with a hilarious joke, you better make sure I get it and it’s funny. Nothing is worse than a joke I don’t understand. I feel dumb for not getting it and I am deprived of the pleasure of a good laugh. So screw you.
Lastly, comes the sappy conclusion to all farewell articles. The writer usually starts by saying something like, “I’ve had a great time in my position” or “I will miss all the great people I met along the way.” This is generally the point where the paper I am reading is being used as fuel for the trash can fire I just made. No shit, you had a good time and met great people. Half the job of being an editor is silently judging other people and planning elaborate theme parties. The other half is loudly judging other people and drinking at the parties you just planned.
The other week I read a farewell article that tried to hide behind a wall of sarcasm and humor. While I give the author props for realizing what she was writing was stupid and trying to hide it, we all know what it is. Join your egotistic, self-centered friends at the center of the universe where you belong. I am a senior, leaving my editor position and you don’t see me writing a waste of space article on my feelings.
And so, with that, my fellow Badgers and Cardinalistas, I say farewell. It’s been real.
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