Happy return to Madison, friends! Hope your break was as swell as mine. Perhaps you returned to your abodes and met with your hometown hookup. Maybe you introduced your families to your steady school sweetheart. You may have even taken advantage of time away by befriending new babes for an on-vacation affair. Whatever your pleasure, it’s high time to return to the school of hard knocks and enter into the world of casual sex.
A chief advantage of going to such a large school is the ability to get laid pretty much whenever you want. Have an 8 a.m. lecture tomorrow morning? Boned. Going to the football game in an hour? Got lucky first. All day, every day? Sexy times.
Hooking up is always possible on a college campus, but Madison, with its abundance of house parties, bars, concerts and events—not to mention the hot persons roaming all of the above—lends itself to one-night-stands. Besides, the anonymity afforded by a campus of so many means nobody has to be privy to your private business, unless you like to kiss and tell, of course!
However, there are some crucial caveats that come along with screwing randos. You have to be both responsible and willing to take risks; think about some consequences whilst throwing caution to the wind! Per usual, the Dirty Bird is here to provide you with a guide. So, without further ado, I present seven simple rules to casual hookups:
1. Consent. Not only is it our responsibility to obtain permission for each sexual act we are hoping to engage in, but we have to be aware of exactly who can give consent. Good rule of thumb after drinking: If the person doesn’t seem capable of driving a car, they cannot say “yes” to any sexual activities. And remember: consent implies an informed “yes,” as opposed to the absence of a “no.” Withholding pertinent information, such as the presence of a transmissible infection, is forcing your partner to participate in nonconsensual activity. Be honest and have fun if you do get that enthusiastic “yes!”
2. Condoms. It doesn’t matter whether you’re using toys, penises or vegetables; if objects are being inserted into human orifices with new partners, barrier protection is a must. It doesn’t matter if we’re using mouths, vaginas, anuses or boobies. Condoms. Which are of course free at the Sex Out Loud office in the SAC! Stock up.
3. Communication. As the Onion’s sex columnist Dan Savage suggests, ask your new partner what they’re into. You might get to learn about something you’ve never heard of before and will get to explore your own desires in return. It’s a win-win situation!
4. Be generous and be selfish. While you should, of course, work toward pleasing your partner, allow yourself to relax and enjoy all of the physical perceptions that sex drives the body toward. Think about the way sex infiltrates the five senses and creates an experience unique from any other. Claim everything that comes from that for yourself and really appreciate the experience.
5. Be open to possibilities. Even though you’ve just met this hottie, there’s no telling whether or not this person may become a regular presence in your life. If you have enough fun, you may want to continue seeing your new buddy for regular shag sessions, or something deeper may develop between the two of you. They might even turn out to be a few words short of a sentence and track you down each day until you agree to see them again. Inviting any person so intimately into your life can offer up quite a myriad of opportunities, so stay positive no matter what you’re looking for. And cross your fingers for no creeps.
6. Try things you haven’t done before! By being open to new experiences in the encounter, you’ll have a new bag of tricks to utilize during future soirées. Besides, you have nothing to lose! If you feel embarrassed or incompetent at any point, you can simply pretend it never happened. Forty thousand is a lot of people…thank goodness!
7. During your walk of fame, keep your chin up! Watching the seemingly ashamed ladies and gentlemen walk down Park and State Streets on weekend mornings kills our enthusiasm for this city. Take pride in your sexcapades and don’t be regretful of the fun you had. Claim it as, if anything, a learning experience and certainly nothing to disparage.
Well, there you have it! Go get laid, Badgers!
Juicy sex questions? Email sex@dailycardinal.com to ask Alex for answers!
