Your astrological sign plays an absolutely crucial role in determining your destiny, and most important of all, your love life. Ever notice how your friends with similar birthdays seem to lead lives similar to yours? Well, my friends, blame it all on the solar system or something. The moons, planets and stars have your destiny all planned out, but only a few “astrologers” like me really know what’s up. So take my words with complete faith because the dreaded Valentine’s Day has arrived.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A past fling of yours is going to change his or her profile picture on Facebook this week. Don’t let this distract you from the present moment because that cutie sitting across from you at Espresso Royale is probably the one. So stop looking at your computer screen and get them eyes on the prize.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Just remember to floss this week, OK? Might be important, not sure why though. Neptune isn’t reading clear… too much broccoli.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Just give up this week, fair Taurus. Red wine and chocolate are your friends. Remember though, really good stuff is on the horizon. Be patient and maybe next week the love of your life will sit next to you in anthro and need a pencil. Maybe. So just sit tight for now.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You know what they say about the Gemini. You know, the whole twin thing? I guess what I’m saying is that you should be wary of those who look and act and dress like you. Don’t let them steal your thunder in this game of love because you’re a gen-u-wine Gemini.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Make the first move. Who knows, it could end really bad or really good, but you’ll never know unless you go for it. There’s always chocolate and porn if it doesn’t work out.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Start listening to alt-J if you haven’t already. The stars tell me it’s going to be a great conversation starter in the next couple of days. So at least listen to “Fitzpleasure.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It is imperative that you come into this week prepared for the best… or maybe the worst. It really all depends on what you eat for lunch on Tuesday. A cup of dandelion tea and a bowl of cabbage soup will definitely aid you in finding true love by the end of the week.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Heads up, that cutie in your discussion definitely thinks you’re cute too, so go for it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Look around the room right now. Your new fling is in here somewhere… or at least on this block… yes, definitely in this city…
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Dance yourself clean. Try something new. Whatever you want.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Yo, where you been all winter, dear Capricorn? Get out in the slush and snow this week. I guarantee a cutie will be out there. Talk to him or her about the weather. Never fails.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The 5th Dimension told me, “Love will steer the stars! This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! Age of Aquarius! Aquarius!” Not really sure what that means, but definitely go with it. Also let the sunshine in.
That’s all, folks! Peace, love and tacos.
Mara’s predictions meet the utmost stringent standards for astrologically precise fortunetelling. Follow her advice, and don’t doubt what’s written in the stars. If you want to know what else is in store for you, ask Mara by sending an email to jezior@dailycardinal.com.
