Unless you’ve had your head up your ass for the past week (not unlikely if you were in PCB), you know by now Rebecca Blank will be the new chancellor at University of Wisconsin. Which means… something. She’s expected to improve the school’s economic outlook, I think. As a columnist who specializes in cheap dick jokes and unnecessary cursing, I’m not qualified to speculate on what this news really means. In all honesty, I had no idea David Ward was British until over a year into his interim chancellorship. I am truly a terrible representation of the university.
Movie from your childhood that still kicks ass
“Mrs. Doubtfire” (1993)-—Robin Williams was my favorite actor as kid, largely based on the wide range of vocal impressions he did in “Aladdin,” “Jumanji” and of course “Mrs. Doubtfire.” There’s one scene in this movie where he meets with a social worker and performs impressions of Sean Connery, a Russian immigrant and, most humorously, a hot dog. It’s good stuff. At the same time, I feel like Robin Williams is one of those celebrities you find less entertaining as you get older because you’re exhausted with his shtick after a certain point. I have a similar problem with Dave Letterman, Morgan Freeman voiceovers and Chris Berman on ESPN. They’ve all been doing the same silly old act for years.
Small Victory that Salvages an Otherwise Shitty Week
I watch a lot of TV on Charter On-Demand, and I usually screw up all the time when I’m fast forwarding through the umpteenth Proactive acne commercial that A&E shows during the program. Then I have to rewind the thing an extra 15 seconds, and it seems like it would’ve taken the same amount of time to just watch the commercial in the first place. However, by the end of the show, you have a better idea when the commercial breaks end, and when you time it out exactly as the show comes back on you feel like you’ve done some sort of Jedi mind trick. It makes watching episodes of “Intervention” ten times better. (Side note: I once pregamed while watching “Intervention” and it got depressing really fast. It was revealed at the end of the episode that the person relapsed, and I was left sitting there shame-faced with my rum-and-diet mix.)
First-World Hate of the week
This week’s hate is reserved for celery. I guess it’s not bad when used as an ingredient mixed into something, but as a stand-alone offering, celery is a complete BS snack. You can’t say that to those hippies at Whole Foods, though. They’ll tell you, “But you actually burn calories when you eat celery, it’s THAT good for you.” Well, I don’t give a shit. I could burn the same amount of calories eating dental floss, and I think that might actually taste better. “But you can eat it with peanut butter and raisins and make ants on a log.” Hey, I’m not trying to play arts and crafts with my food, I’m really starving here. “But it’s rich in vitamins and antioxidants.” Well, that still doesn’t change the fact that it smells like ballsack. Celery is the worst.
Song that will make you want to change the world
“Paper Planes” (M.I.A., 2007)—I’m a big fan of those VH1 “Greatest Songs of the (insert decade here)” specials, and a few months ago they profiled “Paper Planes” on one of its countdowns, reminding me how much ass it kicked. I love everything about it; M.I.A.’s melodic rapping style, the exotic backing beat, the British kids singing the chorus. And seriously, is there anything cooler than the gun shots and cash register sound effects followed by the, “and take your money” lyrics? God, that just makes me feel like a fucking G when I hear that. The hip-hop industry needs more of this type of music and less of the crap Pitbull and Lil Wayne are spewing out these days.
Remember to email awolf3@wisc.edu to tell him your first-world hate this week.
