This morning, freshman Charles Nelduck III enthusiastically took on the following question posed by his American History professor: “What was the single most important event in American history?”
Nelduck, generally seen strolling along Lakeshore Path wearing a tweed jacket and smoking a hand-rolled cigarette while reading one of a dozen pieces of classical literature on his iPad, delivered his answer in the form of a 15-minute discourse on topics ranging from the importance of pepper sales in the Spanish-American War to Gerald Ford’s various personal faults.
“Let’s face it, the Taft Administration was directly responsible for World War II, which was directly responsible for America becoming a global superpower,” Nelduck, a Boston native, said in an English accent.
“So when you connect the dots of this unbelievably complex mosaic of history, you can really only come to the conclusion that William Taft was most directly responsible for the America we see today.”
Other members of the class, which mostly consists of seniors trying to squeeze in a required history course, have speculated after the fact that Nelduck III would have continued if it were not for his attributing of FDR’s famed ‘fear’ quote to JFK.
Nelduck attempted to continue but was interrupted by the professor and a number of his classmates who rather angrily insisted that Nelduck was in error.
“It was ridiculous,” said Professor Kendoll.
“I just wanted to open the floor up for students, let them have a say.
“Instead that little beast starts making unfounded assertions about the Bay of Pigs being a ploy by republicans and Reagan being a fascist.”
We attempted to reach Nelduck for comment but were told that he was busy listening to NPR whilst smoking a pipe of fine tobacco.
