For all you creative types and artsy-fartsy writers out there, I present to you a guide to solve the evilest of evils, the bane of my existence and yours, the writer’s block.
I will define the types of writer’s block that exist, the reasons why they exist and lastly, the ways to combat them in a healthy and meaningful way.
Things-are-looking-up writer’s block
Your life is just going great. You’re making $10 an hour working at a student org you love; you’re getting all ABs, and you’re sleeping with someone who wants to listen to you talk afterward. And then you try to write and nothing comes out because, why? You’re just doing too spectacular to have anything interesting to say. That only happens when you feel like you’re in the bottom of an endless pit. Solution: Mix it up a little bit. Try some illegal things. Steal soda from self-serve soda machines in hi-brow fast-food restaurants. Ride your bike on the sidewalks during passing time. Poke holes in the condoms you use a la “Pregnancy Pact.” And then just wait and see what happens.
One-hit-wonder writer’s block
Maybe you just wrote a phenomenal paper, a speech or quite possibly a column about why you don’t like Badger football that got so many shares on Facebook that your pessimistic self concludes there is no possible way of ever reaching that level of success again, and your life will continue downhill from here-on-after. You have no ideas because none will ever be as good as the last. Solution: Come to terms with this fact and accept that your life will be filled with mediocrity. There’s no looking up for this one. It’s time to settle.
Hungover writer’s block
Every time you try to type your head hurts? Do you think you may vomit when you look over your notes? Did you have fun last night at the Red Shed? Solution: Your writer’s block will be completely solved after you take a cold shower, pop some Advil and think long and hard about what you did last night to get such a bad case of writer’s block.
Lust-struck writer’s block
Let’s say you’re harboring some affections for a special boy or girl, and you just can’t get them off your mind. If you were to touch any pen to any piece of paper, you would scribble his/her name and a proclamation of your deep desire for him/her, thus making writing anything else a doomed and useless task. Solution: Trust me on this one—I dated someone once in the eighth grade. You got words to say and you gotta sing ‘em proud! Holding it in isn’t writer’s block, it’s trying to delay writer’s diarrhea. Maybe throw some stones at their window and serenade them with an original song. That’ll clear those writer intestines right up.
Perpetual writer’s block
Has your case of writer’s block lasted for months, years at a time? Every time you have a paper to write do you fuddle your thumbs at College Library for hours? Have you ever considered plagiarizing? Have you ever sent a pitiful email to your history professor requesting a multiple-choice test instead of an essay? Do you have paper-induced post-traumatic stress disorder? If you said “yes” to two or more of these questions, you have perpetual writer’s block. Solution: You don’t actually have writer’s block. You’re actually just bad at writing. Sorry. Try something new, like science. Otherwise, there’s always the Writing Center.
Disclaimer: This column was conceived after Samy Moskol experienced her own case of one or more of the types of writer’s block described above, following which she decided to write this meta column about writer’s block.
Write Samy feedback at moskol@wisc.edu (if you can get over your writer’s block).
