Dear Atlanta Braves,
I just wanted to take the time to praise you for upholding the sacrosanct, old-school nature of baseball.
Too many people choose not to care about the clowns that plague our national pastime, deciding there are more important things in the world than how a guy trots around the basepaths. Thank God you Braves are around to put them in their place.
This praise isn’t directed at all of you crusaders, of course. Most credit should be given to noted tough guys like Brian McCann, Freddie Freeman, Chris Johnson and Reed Johnson.
Take what happened against the Brewers last Wednesday. Carlos Gomez was clearly out of line, and obviously deserved to get drilled in his next at-bat.
That’s old-school baseball right there.
But what’s so great about you Braves is you’ve reinvented old-school, pushing aside the century-long tradition of beanball payback by blocking the plate and refusing to let Gomez score, sparking a full-team brawl and subsequently landing a cheapshot on Gomez when he’s not looking (here’s to you Reed Johnson).
All this because he hurt your feelings by pimping out his home run trot.
If there’s anything today’s young baseball viewers need to learn, it’s that the professional way to react to a guy embarrassing you is to scream at him and then hit him when he’s not looking. Good for you for putting up such a great example.
Of course, if fighting doesn’t float your boat, there are other ways to punish the showboaters.
Like that time in August when Bryce Harper stared at his home run maybe two seconds too long.
You could have just reacted to this clear attempt to show you up by looking up at your 14.5 game lead in the NL East, but how else would brats like Harper learn?
No, the only way for Harper to learn was to hit him not one, not two, but three times in the back, ultimately injuring him and forcing him to sit out a game.
What a clean and respectable way to demand respect and get a little help in the division race while you’re at it.
Of course, the best way you’ve protected the sanctity of baseball has got to be the fashion in which you handled Jose Fernandez and his first career home run.
Now there was a guy who just didn’t respect baseball culture. How dare he even look at his first career home run.
Sure, he grew up playing baseball literally with sticks and rocks amidst crippling poverty in Cuba. And yes, he risked everything trying to emigrate to the US, leading to stints in Cuban prison as a 15-year-old, all for his dream of playing baseball and supporting his family.
But that’s no excuse for reacting to your first career home run with excitement.
This is a guy who should appreciate the important things in baseball, like showing your opponent proper respect after you hit your first career home run.
Who even stares at his first career home run? People who don’t respect their opponents, that’s who.
If the Braves got their way, as they obviously should, every self-respecting professional player would hit his first career home run like he’s done it before.
Did I mention it was Fernandez’s first career home run?
And now you have a date on Thursday with the Dodgers and the most disrespectful player of them all, Yasiel Puig.
I can only imagine you’ll show Mr. Puig what it means to be a professional ballplayer, by trying to get into fights with him because he hurt your feelings.
Here’s to you, you beautiful bastions of baseball etiquette.
Jack is a junior majoring in statistics, and an avid baseball fan. Maybe you’ll see him in “Moneyball 2.” If you enjoy sarcasm as much as Jack, or even if you think the Atlanta Braves are the sort of role models you want your (future) children to watch, send an email to sports@dailycardinal.com and let us know.
