Yesterday afternoon, while on a casual stroll to Starbucks, jobless University of Wisconsin-Madison sophomore and shell of a human being Katy Kartoolzy offered invaluable career advice to her friends.
The guidance ranged from the best majors to choose all the way to when, where and how to get an internship.
Friends found the advice surprisingly useful, especially given that San Francisco native Kartoolzy, who is attending the UW thanks to her parents bank account, has never had a job of her own and spends most of her time talking about the things she has done and browsing Yahoo News.
“It really doesn’t matter what courses you take or what your major is, employers aren’t looking at those things. What they want to see is your internships—what you did outside the classroom,” said Kartoolzy, reciting a quote from a Yahoo page she read three days ago. “I’d also recommend making close connections with your professors and TAs—they can be a great reference on future job applications,” she added, having only been in college for a year.
Kartoolzy, who has never filled out a job application of her own and whose mother filled out her college applications, received praise from her friends for her extensive knowledge of human resources hiring policies around the country.
“I’m a history major and she told me exactly what I had to do over the next three years to get a full-time job at the Smithsonian after I graduate. She must have had a lot of experience in museum work,” Abby Winslow, Kartoolzy’s roommate, said.
Sources recently confirmed Kartoolzy has never visited the Smithsonian.
“Listen, I’ve been very successful in my life. The least I can do is share the secrets behind my accomplishments.” said Kartoolzy.
When asked about her proudest moments, Kartoolzy cited her mother’s success in the medical field and her father’s promotion at his accounting firm. She did not seem to notice these were not actually her achievements, nor did she realize she was a person with no depth whatsoever.
At press time, Kartoolzy was hospitalized after she experienced complications from having her head jammed far up her ass.
