As you may have heard, Camp Randall will hold spring commencement this year. In previous years, commencement was held at the Kohl Center over the course of an entire weekend. The ceremonies were broken up by schools and colleges into four ceremonies, with Letters and Science on Sunday, and other schools Saturday. The switch to Camp Randall means all 6,000 spring graduates will sit on one field to experience, for the first time in history, a communal sense of Badger pride, all together, everyone, rain or shine.
A change
I appreciate leaders who know how to make a change, especially good changes. So for that I commend you, Chancellor Rebecca Blank and senior-class officers, for taking your new roles so seriously and instituting such a change to our campus that will positively impact our lives here. (“If you wanna make the world a better place / Take a look at yourself and make a change.” –MJ.)
The speaker
Having four Kohl Center ceremonies meant that whoever is willing to speak had to have enough time on their hands to give four whole speeches at four ceremonies, which not many actual famous people are willing to do. Since we’ll only need to cover funds for one speech now, and since I will no longer get to hear my name called to walk across the stage (6,000 names?), I expect nothing less than a Tina Fey-Amy Poehler duo. I request, in addition, a direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln wearing a mid-19th century costume to be present to help park cars.
Tradition
Having our commencement ceremony at Camp Randall is like taking a leap through a giant vortex into UW’s past. As a history major, I can appreciate this sense of wonder surrounding our past that has come upon our decision-makers. (Necessary UW Archives plug here: Check out archives.library.wisc.edu to discover what old Ogg looked like. [It did not look like new Ogg.]) I have some additional recommendations we should consider to bring the past to the now. Let’s re-segregate our dorms by gender and register for classes each semester manually, without computers. Like the old days. Thoughts?
Letters and Science issues
So there’s this tool you can use called the “Academic Calendar” (“wisc.edu” > “academics academic calendar”) where you can view important dates for every term through 2021 spring. With 100 percent certainty, I would graduate with a L&S degree in exactly eight semesters, and with 100 percent certainty the calendar was accurate, I told my parents what I thought was my graduation date (Sunday, May 18, 2014) on the day I moved into Chadbourne Hall, (Wednesday, Aug. 25 2010). They’ve had a room booked for the Saturday night of graduation weekend for nearly two years. But now, instead of a Sunday afternoon ceremony, they will have to prepare for a Saturday noon ceremony. While my mother wanted to change the reservation to Friday night, my father suggested driving early Saturday instead. But he’s a routinized man, my father. He will wake up at 7:30 a.m., spend 30 minutes preparing oatmeal for breakfast while checking email, take 30 more minutes to eat while reading a week-old newspaper and take vitamins, watch two three-week-old “Colbert Report” episodes while doing back exercises on a foam roll, then take long shower, after which he will begin to dress, then say “good morning” to dog, for 20 minutes. Estimated time of arrival? 2:30 p.m. My parents will miss my graduation. But despite my own personal dilemma, I think students’ parents can’t be more than an hour and 40 minutes away like mine, so it should be fine.
Let’s not beat around the bush
Only L&S students’ families will really have to adjust their plans. And rightfully so. Five years from now, that business student will have a 401(k). In five years, I will still not know what “401(k)” means. My dear UW, you’ll get no money from me.
At this event some have called a bookend to freshman convocation (what’s that?) we will experience a collective sense of Badger pride for the achievements of all 6,000 of us. But let’s get real. I’ve never met most of you. I would like 10 seconds of normalized selfishness, please. I want to hear my name, walk on stage and be very proud of only myself. I don’t really care about Business, Engineering, or SoHE (what’s that?) And students in those schools don’t care about me—it’s really OK—because they have no idea who I am. Under no circumstances would our paths have crossed. So let’s not force it. Allow me these 10 seconds as a grand climax (not sexual) before my impending entrance into the service sector. Forward?
Are you a graduating senior? Share some memories with Samy—wait, never met her? Introduce yourself to Samy at moskol@wisc.edu.
