Deer Cardinal,
I really love candied yams. Like, all I can think about is piping-hot potatoes, smothered in ooey-gooey marshmallows, topped with cinnamon. How do I control myself come turkey day? I am a slave to their decadence.
—Danny
Yam Man Dan,
Thanksgiving is all about losing control and indulging in what you want. Or is that Easter? Anyway, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, yams are one of my faves, so I feel where you’re coming from. However, while we should enjoy eating yams on Thanksgiving, we need to have a little willpower, lest we alienate the entire family. But just how do we control the craving? Let’s discuss.
Looking over your letter, it appears you’re pretty obsessed with yams. Perhaps you should consider complete and total abstinence, or yamstinence. You can sell yourself on this protocol by rethinking how you view candied yams. Instead of viewing them as delicious, “piping-hot potatoes, smothered in ooey-gooey marshmallows topped with cinnamon,” just think of them as “ooey-gooey death” or “ratchet, piping-hot sadness.”
If yamstinence isn’t your thing, try to limit your intake by telling yourself you will not eat more than two reasonably sized servings of yams. Your willpower might wane as the night wears on, but Eleanor Rooselvelt, who was (probably) a known yam lover, once said, “You must do the things you think you cannot do.” For you, this means chillin’ out with the candied taters.
If you really can’t hold back, try to be discrete about your yam consumption. When no one is looking, take the dish of yams and devour it somewhere private—perhaps in the bathroom or the garage. Better to keep the lights off.
Alright, Yam Man Dan. Stay strong.
Deer Cardinal,
Every time I see my grandma, she asks me if I have a boyfriend. When I tell her I’m not in a relationship, she usually follows up with an interrogation about why I’m single. Her questions stress me out and sometimes hurt my feelings. Currently, I’m not seeing anyone. Over Thanksgiving, she will ask me about my relationship status. How should I handle the situation?
—Suzie
Single Suzie,
Some people lie when telling the truth would serve ’em better. In this instance, it’s pretty clear that a lie would actually serve you better. So, spare your granny the heartache and just make up the man of her dreams.
Now, just what kind of man should you create? That’s up to you. Maybe he’s double majoring in pre-med and pre-law, with a focus on the medical and socio-political needs of under-cared-for baby animals.
What are his hobbies? Cooking? Running? Alpaca farming? Badminton? Be ready to rattle off a few.
Add believability by making up specific details about him. Does he prefer Pepsi or Coke? Perhaps he’s allergic to butternut squash?
When your family asks when they’ll meet him, stress that he is very busy with his obligations at the food pantry, local school, and/or alpaca farm (remember to be consistent).
OK, Suzie. Good luck making up this man.
For answers to your questions, tweet at the Deer Cardinal. Out loud, not online.
