Hi everyone, I’m feeling under the weather today, so instead of writing a whole article about things, people and ideas I hate, I thought we could just you know, talk. Like, one-on-one. Me and you, the reader.
What do you want to talk about? The job market? Which Mott’s applesauce is better? Is Lady Gaga’s perceived artistic image is a fallacy created by Interscope Records and that her latest album’s poor record sales are an example of image versus talent?
Wow… You really aren’t saying much. What’s that you say? You want me to lose this schtick and go right into the heavy stuff, the stuff that can change the opinions of the millions that read The Daily Cardinal? The stuff that makes your grandmother cry, your father scream and your best friend question everything about your relationship?
Nah. I don’t think you deserve it, reader. I don’t think you have appreciated my hard work these last few years. Here I am, slaving away on a hot laptop for hours on end, just moments before my deadline, hoping to amuse you like some sort of dancing monkey.
Do you know how hard it is to write 650 words of pure comedic gold week in and week out? Do you know how hard it is to write a balanced combination of wittiness, thoughtfulness and full of enough references to make a nerdy boy squeal? Well, neither do I, but at least I try.
You take me for granted. You don’t comment on my articles, you don’t email me with quips that relate to the article, you don’t even say anything inflammatory to me like “kill urself” or “GAY.”
I mean, I’m here trying to make it as an Internet writer and I haven’t even had experience with responding to trolls and flame wars. Which startup travel blog will hire me if they don’t even know if I can dish it with the best of them?
None of you even came to my panel at the Madison Young Writer’s Conference where I talked about being a super-popular Page Two writer!! (Editor’s note: This is not a real conference and even if it were Michael Voloshin would most definitely not be invited. However we kept this asinine statement in the article because it made us chuckle and he threatened us [mostly the latter part is true].)
Something needs to change here between you and me. There needs to be more trade-off. So far I’m just giving and giving and giving and you’re just taking and not thanking (oh my God I finally understand Shel Silverstein).
You need to be less on the fence—I need you to commit to not only me, but Wednesdays and The Daily Cardinal in general. No more, “I read The Badger Herald for the shoutouts” business anymore. I need you focused on this relationship 100 percent. (And honestly, 90 percent of the shoutouts are made up and the other 10 percent are girls who are happy to tell everyone [anonymously] they hooked up with a football player).
Or else you ask? Or else I stop. Or else I move to a lesser news source like Buzzfeed and just make top ten lists about “How I Met Your Mother” and the worst Skymall items. Or else I graduate and never come back to Madison and instead work on my next goal of giving celebrities’ miniature dogs pedicures and makeovers. Is that where you want me to end up? Some 40-cent a minute fabulous dog groomer in West Hollywood trying to make it big? What a sick mind you have, you reader.
Well, I don’t care what you say or think. I’m going to keep trying to make you laugh. Why? Because I’m a professional damnit and a profession doesn’t complain. Except for this article.
Give me this one.
Throw Michael a bone at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
