So… This is my last article for The Daily Cardinal. Ever. After this one you will no longer see By: Michael Voloshin in this new publication. No, I’m going off to do bigger and better things (or at least relatively the same). So I thought for this last article, we could rehash the memories. Let’s look at some of my favorite articles, lines and comments through the years, with one of my favorite shticks: an award show!
Most Hooksteadian article: Five girls you meet in college (3/12/12)
We got off to a good start with my career at the Cardinal. After this column was published, I was told a Sociology class used it as an example while discussing sexism, woooo! Also, every girl I knew asked me which one they were, and I had to make stuff up to not hurt their feelings. And to think I just wrote this article as a favor to my friend Riley who was the editor at the time. Oh well.
My best line: My Food Network obsession (9/4/12)
“I could see myself being on ‘Chopped’ and seeing grenadine, borscht, starfruit and octopus in my basket (in which I would create an acidic ceviche with the octopus and grenadine, reduce the borscht into a sauce with honey and caramelize the starfruit to put on top… Also I have no idea how to do any one of those things).”
I entered my junior year with one of my favorite articles. And it is true that I spent the whole summer before watching Food Network, so writing about it was easy. I just remember people coming up to me and saying they felt the same away about Food Network: It’s just an addiction that gives you food porn blue balls. Just stop it, now. Just kidding, “Guy’s Grocery Games” is amazing.
Best article I wrote in one hour: A collection of thoughts during an all-nighter (10/22/12)
The night before my deadline I was in Milwaukee for the XX show. I texted my editors that I wouldn’t get an article in because we were arriving in Madison the morning after… and they weren’t pleased. And because I’m a nice guy with a penchant for drama, right when I got home I whipped up this article in an hour and sent it to them. Don’t do it, kids.
Most research put into an article: Getting hit with OKCupid’s question arrow (10/29/12)
This also was a lot of fun (for future Page Two writers, if you don’t have a topic and your deadline is approaching, just find a dating site and record results) and I learned a little too much about myself. Thank you OKCupid for making me question if I’m happy, religious or spiritual and whether or not nuclear war would be exciting (it’s still not, by the way).
Best (only) comment I’ve ever received: How to hit it big: names on names on names (3/19/13)
From nomchompsky: “This is just a list of band names assembled by a child who ate all the Halloween candy in one sitting. O, and Fall Out Boy is a character from the Simpsons, you rube.”
Thanks Nom! You clearly didn’t understand this was a satirical article and of course I know Fall Out Boy is the character (and sidekick) Milhous played in the Radioactive Man movie. Also, calling me a rube? Fantastic move Nom, you really grinded my gears.
Most talked about topics: 1. Twitter 2. Music 3. Hating Buzzfeed 4. Trying to be intellectual
Well… I guess you can really see where my interests lie. First, Twitter. It’s amazing. Second, music, the industry I want to go into. Third, Buzzfeed, the site I’m tired of seeing on my Facebook wall a thousand times in a day (Thanksgivakkuh is now a thing, WE GET IT). And last, trying to be smart (Counselor Theory, Nostalgic Remission and Potential Apathy).
Most important thing about my articles: You, the readers
I want to thank everyone who reads my articles, even if you’re reading just this one, even if you don’t like them, even if you only do it because I shove the paper into your face. You make me better at writing, you make me love writing. You are the reason I spend a few hours every week thinking of ridiculous premises and more creative ways to tell dick jokes. Thank you all, and thank you to my editors through the years: Riley, Jenna, Rachel and Alex.
I’ll see you all very soon.
I remain, Michael Voloshin.
