The downside of getting into a relationship is the inevitability that it will end one way or another. It’s easy to dwell on this, especially since we’re young and things are changing so quickly that the long-term durability of a relationship isn’t always guaranteed. We sometimes find it’s time to just get out and move on, but unfortunately it isn’t always easy and seldom are break-ups mutual either, even if we wish they were. There are ways to break up to help soften the blow. This shouldn’t be seen as just advice for the breaker-uper, but also the broken-upee.
1. If we think the end is near, don’t string the other person along.
This can be difficult though, because a lot of relationships end gradually and such a big decision is determined over the course of time, not in one fell swoop. If we can sense this happening, at least try and keep things normal while a decision is made. We should do our best to not cause our partners any sort of anxiety.
2. Don’t keep your thoughts a secret.
If we think there is a problem in our relationship and it could potentially end soon, communicate this in the best way possible, especially if we think there is still potential for the relationship to continue. Take this as an opportunity to critically look at the relationship, find weak spots and try to determine solutions together.
3. Communication is key.
Emotions can run high when a breakup seems imminent or even a remote possibility. But it’s in everybody’s best interest to keep cool when working out problems in a relationship, even if the solution is ultimately a breakup. Honesty and straightforwardness are important when communicating in such situations. Although honesty can sometimes be difficult, it’s a better approach than lies or just not expressing how we really feel. We might even discover things about our partner’s feelings we hadn’t realized. Use “I” statements too. Don’t play psychiatrist and tell our partners how they feel or try to analyze their actions. Talk about how we feel and only that. Stay on topic. Wandering off and talking about issues that aren’t related to what we need to discuss with our partner just distracts us and brings more to the table than is necessary.
4. Break up in person.
This is cliche, but it is also a sign of respect. The only time it’s appropriate to do it over Skype or a phone call is when we’re in a long-distance situation.
5. Be tactful.
In addition to doing it in person, do it at time that is appropriate. Avoid birthdays, holidays, family events and personal milestones; don’t break up with somebody and then give them a birthday gift or something similar. Don’t have sex then do the deed or anything else similar to that. Tact goes a long way. And don’t pull back if emotions run high. Keep calm and carry on. Be kind and sympathetic as best you can in such a situation.
6. Don’t play games.
If you think the relationship needs to end, then end it and stick with that decision. Games are no fun and can easily lead to more drama than we want to experience. If we’re unsure about what we want to do though, stay the course until we’re ready to make a final decision. Roller coaster rides are fun, but only at amusement parks.
7. If you’re the broken-upee and not the break-uper, recognize when somebody isn’t doing this to be cruel.
It sucks to be rejected, but it also doesn’t help us to be bitter and angry with another person because a decision they needed to make hurt us. We should try to recognize when a person is doing their best to make a hard situation easier on both parties. We shouldn’t suppress our feelings, but we shouldn’t always make it personal either. Take time after a breakup to recoup and get back on your feet. Recognizing that breakups aren’t always personal is also a good thing. Sometimes people just aren’t in a place to be dating or a match just isn’t fitting for both partners and that’s okay.
We do a lot to try to get into relationships, but we also should think about what we can do to get out of a relationship in a healthy way. Even if we don’t remain friends with our partner after a relationship, we don’t want to make enemies either. Breakups won’t always be mutual and sometimes they don’t end well either, but trying to take certain steps, like some of those outlined above, can help to make a difficult situation easier.
Do you have any specific relationship questions for Michael? Email him at mpodgers@wisc.edu.
