Disclaimer: This is heteronormative. I’m a straight girl. Sorry, all my queer friends.
Sex is an activity that some people in college do a lot and other people in college don’t do that much. Here is my advice to FAQs I receive often on this particular activity.
What are some sexy sex positions?
Missionary is a great sex position. Follow these simple steps. One: Girl, lie on bottom. Two: Boy, lie on top of girl. Three: Girl, open legs. Four: Boy, insert penis into girl’s vagina. Five: Move up and down and all around for a few minutes. Six: Stop. Kiinnkkyy.
Always fun, never dangerous, just like the pilgrims did it. If the bed is your favorite place, why have sex in the shower/kitchen sink/outside/public bus/library cages?
How do I get things goin’?
If you wanna be startin’ somethin’ with someone you would like to have sex with, you should try foreplay, or what I like to call, “If you don’t do this, girls will fake their orgasms.” You can engage in foreplay in a variety of ways, such as touching each other’s hair, face or reproductive organs. I like using toys too, especially Bop It. Pornography is a cheap fix to get ready also, but I personally prefer Monopoly.
Do you have more detailed advice about how to foreplay? This sounds very important.
Please refer to “Friends,” Season Four, Episode 11.
How do I perform anal sex?
No.
What contraception should I use?
There are two kinds of contraception that I know about. One is condoms. The other is abstinence. I will explain them both.
Condom: A condom is a stretchy piece of latex that goes over the penis during intercourse. You can find them at your local drugstore or for free, from groups like Sex Out Loud. To use, first rip open the plastic wrapper, but not too forcefully as to rip the condom. Then place on the tip of the penis and unravel. These come in many colors, shapes and smells. My favorite is rainbow. Disclaimer: If you are allergic to latex, then your best bet is to just not use this contraception as to avoid allergic reactions or abstain (see below).
Abstinence: Lol.
What if I want to have sex but no one will sleep with me?
Masturbation is an exciting exercise. It’s great because you get all the joys of sex but without any of the anxiety of someone seeing you naked or of post-sex small talk (P.S.S.T.).
I’m getting bored with my partner. How do I spice things up?
Some sexperts might recommend role-play or S&M (sadomasochism). Those things are nice and fun! I suggest, however, that if your sex has lost its fireworks, then just don’t have sex for an extended period until it’s clear the time has come to end your sexual relationship forever. Why draw something out that has reached its natural end? The sex isn’t what is boring. You are.
This activity intimidates me, but I really want to try it and maybe be good at it! What should I do?
Sex can be scary but if you do it with someone you like, sex can also be fun! Give it a try!
Do you have burning sex questions that you would like the Smelly Bird to answer? Then email Samy at moskol@wisc.edu to get answers. However, if you would like legitimate sex advice and tips from someone that is aware of more than two types of contraception, read the Dirty Bird on Mondays.
