Deer Cardinal,
My team, let’s say, hasn’t gotten off to the best start this season. After two ugly blowouts, I have a big goose egg in the win column. Wasn’t the Giants’ defense supposed to be good this year? Maybe using my first pick on Montee Ball wasn’t the best call…
Sincerely,
Goose on the loose
OK, based on your choice to take Ball as your top draft pick and your choice to take the Giants D at all, you’re probably going to have to make some significant changes right now if you plan on winning a game this season. First, drop the New York and pick up Washington. They already have 10 sacks after only two games. Granted, it was against the Texans and Jaguars, but Washington overall has one of the weaker schedules. So other than a few outliers, they should be racking up some decent points (at least some points).
You’re going to need another running back if Ball is your top talent (sorry Wisco fans). He’s a strong No. 2 running back. But he probably won’t break 1,000 yards or score more than seven touchdowns this season. And your best running back needs to for sure do both of those things. So you can try trading him, which probably won’t get you anyone better. Or, you can hit up free agency and hope for a miracle.
I’m just going to assume you drafted Robert Griffin III. Drop him and pick up Kirk Cousins you dufus. The rest of your team is probably full of fancy garbage, so the playoffs likely won’t happen. However, if you follow my advice, I can almost guarantee you’ll win at least one game this season.
Best luck,
The Deer Cardinal
Deer Cardinal,
I recently watched all five seasons of “The League” in one sitting. Now I have physical need to play fancy football. It feels kind of like there are bugs hatching under my skin. I’ve never played before though and don’t know if joining a league now makes me a loser, or if it’s even possible. Help!
Best wishes,
Better late than never
It’s technically never too late to join a fancy league. But if you start after the beginning of the season, you’re a noob—plain and simple.
Yep, if you want to be the laughing stock of the fancy football community, just go ahead and start playing almost three weeks into the season. Do you think fancy football is a joke?
This country was founded on two things: freedom and fancy football. Are you prepared to tread on all of the sanctity of the most important part of this great nation? I thought not. Maybe next August, when the rest of the world is doing mock drafts and watching film, you’ll remember how you feel right now.
You see, some of us take fancy very seriously. This isn’t merely an excuse to be brainwashed by hours of advertisements every Sunday. This is more than a socially accepted outlet for binge drinking and overeating. It’s a lifestyle, OK? So, “better late than never,” next time you think it’s cute or cool to make light of the commitment some of us put toward fancy football, think again.
Go to hell,
The Deer Cardinal
