I’m sure many of you reading this are “owners” of fancy football clubs. Apparently this is the new Internet craze of millennials. Well I’m here to tell you that this fancy fantasy world you’re all caught up in needs to be brought back to utilitarian reality.
Football (noun): A form of team game played in North America with an oval ball on a field marked out as a gridiron. A form of team game played in North America with an oval ball. A form of team game played in North America. A form of team game. Team game. Game. Game. Game. Game. Game. Game. Game. Game.
Do you want to know something that isn’t a game? How about the seeming lack of civil disobedience in relation to the way citizens of this country have had their First Amendment rights practically obliterated. If I were drafting a fancy educated populace roster, none of you pathetic excuses for informed voters would make the cut.
Did you hear Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson—the beloved running backs who over the past several seasons have brought bounties of invisible, worthless points to millions of bros across this once great nation—recently abused their loved ones? You have? And you’re still starting Peterson because he was your top overall draft pick? That’s considerate.
You are all being traded as commodities by the NFL and advertisers. And you’re all OK with it as long as there’s an ample supply of delivery pizza and high fructose. You all make me sick.
Get off the couch and go outside. Go outside and smell the roses that have wilted because you’ve been glued to your computer screen since the start of the preseason. You realize that there’s no reward for winning your Yahoo public league, right? I thought this generation was reward-obsessive.
Stop idly going along with this scumbag league that cares more about making a quick buck than the fate of humanity. Stop buying into the most successful scheme of all time. If we all come together and realize that fancy football is not an innocuous pastime, but a degenerate activity set to destroy life as we know it, we might just save this country from impending destruction. Vote for Nader!
