His team was up three scores, his opponent was desperate and his shirt was ripped to pieces.
Following a weak tackle attempt stemming from no ability and petty frustration, The Daily Cardinal’s Andy Flex Holsteen showed The Badger Herald how much they were really worth.
Without giving the slightest semblance of a fuck, Holsteen pulled off his shirt, letting his eight-pack gloriously shine in the mid-afternoon sun while helping drive The Daily Cardinal to a dominant 42-21 win over The Badger Herald.
The Daily Cardinal won at everything. This did not come as a surprise to Editor-in-Chief-Keef Jack Casey, who received plenty of flak leading up to the game.
The Herald, who widely criticized Casey for his youthful demeanor and hair on his chinny chin chin, forgot exactly how embarrassing it would be to lose to him in the ritual chug-off.
“I blew their house down,” Casey said after chugging his first beer and still comfortably beating his counterpart. “For the record, I really don’t like Pizza Hut.”
The leading receiver for the Herald was in fact Daily Cardinal safety Kane Kaiman, who finished with five interceptions and earned the game’s Most Valuable Player award.
“They spend so much time looking at my hand they couldn’t look at anything else,” Kaiman said while combing his hair. “I picked one off, but it got called back from a penalty. Naturally they thought to throw it right back in my direction on the next play.”
The performance from Dana “The Second Coming of Jerome Bettis” Kampa may have come as a surprise to some, but not to all.
“No one fucks with her at our office,” Adelina Yankova said while nervously checking behind her. “No, no, no that’s a huge mistake.”
Sources from the sidelines reported hearing “fuck off” coming from Kampa’s direction after several of her 14 pancakes recorded in the game.
After plenty of trash talking and backing exactly zero of it up, the Herald was dominated in every dimension.
Losing is nothing new to The Badger Herald, so they largely try and hang their hats on drinking, something they also end up losing.
They have tried time and again to claim they were able to outdrink The Daily Cardinal, despite Cardinal staffers regularly finishing a keg of their own and having a substantial amount of the Herald’s twice each year. Herald, please watch out for those, fact error minus 10.
As is custom for the newspaper that is able to take initiative and handle simple organization, The Daily Cardinal once again handled setting up the event and obtaining flags and cones. But, they saw an opportunity to see how the Herald could handle a straightforward task on their own.
Let’s just say setting up a field with straight sidelines was too tall a task.
“We’re all students, so we wanted to give them an opportunity to handle something on their own,” quarterback Brett Bachman said during an interview while he was playing, standing in the backfield while Herald defenders tripped over each other. “But for fuck’s sake, those lines looked more like a path walking through Library Mall than what any sideline should look like. You’d think they learned straight lines by now, but nah.”
There may be some confusion over why The Badger Herald refers to themselves as the Gentle Clowns. Editor-in-Not-Chief-Keef Tara Golshan was quick to defend the quite overtly creepy self-prescribed name.
“It represents a lot of who we are,” Golshan said quite hesitantly after remembering several failed Herald tacklers in a flag football game. “I’m proud of how we performed today. I know we didn’t win anything, but gentle is how we do it.”
One more season of Cardinal dominance later, Casey reflected on the day.
“I’m ready to return to my training ground,” Casey said, throwing his shirt off and sprinting into the dead of night galloping toward subzero conditions. “Softball is in the spring, I want five in a row.”
