We’re back.
What has been in the back of minds since The Daily Cardinal’s softball win almost six months ago, will move to the forefront when newspaper making will be put on hold Saturday for what is expected to be another dominant football performance.
The Cardinal is returning to the fields of Vilas Park with eyes set on completing yet another season sweep of the Badger Herald.
Editor-in-Chief-Keef Jack Casey spent much of his offseason deadlifting in the arctic circle while living with packs of arctic wolves learning hunting techniques for anyone holding a football.
“The [foot]ball is mine, it was a big mistake to take it from my team,” Casey said as his shirt’s sleeves stretched and stretched to the brink of snapping from his massive biceps. “I’ve killed for less.”
“Nope,” Houston Texans defensive lineman and 2012 AP NFL Defensive Player of the Year J.J. Watt said when asked for a fight with Casey.
Floyd Mayweather Jr. and the Dos Equis guy also turned down requests for a fight.
Head coach Rich Homie Jim Dayton will have the privilege of unleashing Casey and the rest of the Cardinal football juggernaut.
“We’re drawing some stuff up,” Dayton said, walking out of a drawing class. “We’ll get to drawing plays soon enough, but we’ve got some really pretty stuff so far.”
Many of those plays—set to be drawn up with a beautiful Crayola arrangement—will feature standout linebacker Justine “No Flex Zone” Jones.
Jones, who usually spends her time throwing glass bottles at people on the street and breaking nervous students’ pencils on test days, is going to focus her aggression onto the field this weekend.
Jones’ quotation was deemed inappropriate for this article.
Another prime weapon for the Cardinal team is Greyson Derulo Satterfield.
His credentials include the 1999 NFL Offensive and Defensive Rookie of the Year awards, an All-NBA Defensive team spot in 2011, the 2007 MLS Comeback Player of the Year honor, the 2010 NHL General Manager of the Year award and last but certainly not least, the Oscar he won in 1974 for his beautiful performance in “The Longest Yard.”
“Bucks in six,” Satterfield said.
Offensive guru Jackson Ford Baer had a laundry list of injuries to report while a staff of 40 perfected his handlebar mustache. Andy Holsteen is probable with enlarged cojones and an over-ripped tricep, Jonah “Mr. Steal Yo Girl” Beleckis is questionable with the Swag Flu and a tight hammy and Emily Gerber, whose live-fast and thrill-seeking-yolo-swag lifestyle is starting to catch up with her, is a going to be a game-time decision with excessive sweating.
Herald Editor-in-not-Chief-Keef Tara Golshan, who elected not to attend last year’s embarrassing softball defeat, seemed nervous for her team’s prospects on the field and on the sidelines. The Herald has not finished its keg on its own since 2002, when it is believed a massive spill contributed to the completion.
Above all other individual accolades and bizarre training rituals, what will propel The Daily Cardinal to a fourth straight victory over the lowly competition will be teamwork and semi-relevant-with-a-small-helping-of-uncomfortable motivational speeches.
“When the sun shines, we’ll shine together,” Dayton said. “Told you I’d be here forever. Said I’ll always be a friend. Took an oath I’ma stick it out till the end.”
When asked if he would predict a win for this weekend’s game, Dayton stopped, paused, grabbed his borderline excessive amount of chainz and exclaimed, “Bitch U guessed it, HWAH.”
Whatever that means.
