With flu and general sickness season upon us, it is imperative we all take extra steps to protect ourselves from contracting some kind of unwanted illness. While sanitation and exercise can help out, nothing staves off those little bugs crawling beneath your skin better than a healthy diet. So here you go Almaniacs, take these little tips from our health gurus and see yourself blossom during this cold, dark and depressing winter ahead.
“But this stuff tastes like nothing!!” We know, we know, with no artificial sweeteners or colors, water seems like an odd choice for this list. Believe it or not, our bodies are mostly water, so drinking a lot of it actually helps your body function and keeps you “hydrated.”
Chapstick
You knew it made your lips less dry in the winter, but did you know that lip balm is also full of vitamin C, which is important for staying healthy? #chapstrong
Ice
I know it seems similar to water since ice is just frozen water, but their respective health benefits are unique. Boost your metabolism, get cut muscle!
Blood
Every drop of blood is precious, which is why you should never let it go to waste. If you see someone with a juicy scab, rip that shit off and suck. Blood is the elixir of life. Without copious amounts of it, you will shrivel up into something that looks like a leaky ballsack.
Feces
It’s important, if you’re eating feces, to not go for human stuff. That’s how you get yourself killed. Bovine and goat waste is the best (and tastiest), go for that.
Cocaine juice
Similar to Coca-Cola or Pepsi, just without the sugar, cocaine juice will give you insane energy to get through the day. Just make sure you put aside a good 18-hour block of time dedicated to deep sleep for after you stay up for three days when you drink one of these.
Grass
Deer and dogs eat it, so it’s good enough for you. Next time mom tells you to eat your greens, go outside and put your face to the turf.
Cacti
The spines are there because no good things can come without a little bit of hard work. The cactus is ripe in vitamins and minerals that are key to keeping you from staying home from work. Plus, once in a while you’ll get one that makes you feel kind of trippy.
