Although she was not clothed in any trendy athletic clothing, local woman Carolyn Bailey completed her run along Lakeshore Path Wednesday with unwavering confidence throughout.
Bailey, a UW sophomore, miraculously maintained a perfectly adequate level of self-esteem and felt completely sure of herself for the entire duration of her 3.1 mile run while wearing zero fashionable pieces of activewear. Her outfit consisted of high school gym shorts, a Milwaukee Brewers T-shirt and some ragged New Balance sneakers, none of which could be considered even remotely chic.
“This chick literally just ran by me looking like a piece of absolute trash,” eyewitness jogger and temporary fashion critic Alyssa Heinz said. “Weird thing was, she didn’t even seem to know it. She just kept running while somehow not looking at all sorry for herself.”
According to some of the homeless who regularly frequent the path, this was an extremely unusual occurrence, but not for Bailey.
“Most of them girls come whizzing past with all that shiny colorful shit on, smirking like they own the place,” a man who identified himself as ‘Grizz’ told Cardinal reporters. “But not this one. She just wears any old clothes, a little like myself ya see? She’s a real speed demon too.”
Even expert social analysts could not explain the conundrum.
“People who look better feel better,” UW-Madison psychology professor Lawrence Nielsen said. “But this case defies hundreds of years of what we thought was proven research. Any logical medical analysis would conclude that this woman, based on her appearance, is severely depressed, possibly suicidal even. But she checked out just fine!”
When reached for comment, Bailey seemed to be surprisingly aware of her horrendous fashion blunder and remarkably content with it.
“All of the other girls running out here look like they’re from outer space with their neon Nike products and what not,” Bailey said with a tone that expressed pure and unrelenting confidence. “But that’s not really what exercising is about to me.”
Sources confirmed that in another shocking development, Bailey again defied all means of common sense by taking her phone out of her pocket after her run and placing it back in without snapping any photos of herself for Instagram.
