Due to the insane level of perspiration on UW-Madison junior Connor Hartmann’s hand during a pre-job interview handshake, Hartmann is no longer being considered for the position.
Hartmann had been selected to interview for a summer internship with tech giant Epic, but the math major’s diaphoretic state caused a slimy embrace which pulled him out of the running before he even uttered a single word. Hartmann’s interviewer confirmed that it was Hartmann’s handshake, not the strength of his application and candidacy, that really hurt his chances of being hired.
“Way too sweaty,” interviewer Cole Branson told The Daily Cardinal reporters. “I knew right away there wasn’t a chance in hell we would hire him. I’m sure he’ll find something else though. He had one of the best resumes we have ever seen here.”
Hartmann possesses a 3.9 cumulative GPA, captains the concrete canoe team and volunteers twice weekly, but has a history of botching internship interviews. However, the handshake mishap was the first of its kind.
“In the past I’ve been underdressed, overly nervous, late and one time I even failed to wash off a drawing of a penis that my roommates put on the back of my neck,” Hartmann explained. “But the handshake was the one aspect of the interview I thought I had nailed down.”
Conventional wisdom and any packet at a career fair suggest that a firm, dry handshake is the key to crushing any job interview. Experts agree that regardless of the field of work, even those that don’t require employees to shake hands all day long, a sweaty handshake is an immediate red flag.
“I now fully understand the importance of shaking people’s hands without them feeling like they just dipped their arms into the sewer,” Hartmann said. “I’ve been practicing so many dry handshakes with my friends that they don’t even want to hang around me anymore.”
At press time, Hartmann scored another chance to interview for an internship over the summer and decided that he would remove his facial piercings for this one.
