The newest hot trend among late-teens and 20-somethings might come as a shock to some of you. In an unexplained habitual shift, more and more individuals are shutting their laptop screens to engage in what experts are calling “sex,” or, more technically, “sexual intercourse.”
This is an unprecedented cultural anomaly. Surveys taken as recently as 2010 depict an America in which 95 percent of the population is totally unaware of basic human reproductive functions. But the latest data says that number has gone down to a hair over 80 percent.
What most people (including myself until a recent tip from an anonymous source) don’t understand is those things you see on porn actually exist under peoples clothes.
“Penises, vaginas, butts, breasts—they’re all real,” said Associate Professor of Biology at The University of Wisconsin-Madison, Ronald Lowry. “These body parts do in fact naturally occur and aren’t just silicone prosthetics as our beloved catalogues of pornography might suggest.”
What many of these “sex” pioneers are finding out, often to their horror, is that their parts and the parts of their partners don’t quite look the same as what’s out there on the Internet.
“When she took off her clothes my first thought was ‘Where’s the butterfly tattoo that’s supposed to be on her lower back?’” said UW-Madison Sophomore, Chip Kimen. “But then I saw that my weakest leg was even weaker than the ones I’ve seen in pornos so I just ignored all the blaring flaws and went for it. Despite the weirdness, it was overall a cool new experience.”
Despite this groundbreaking evidence for the existence of life beyond porn, some people are still skeptical of the whole production.
“Have you seen the stuff that happens in pornos?” skeptical UW-Madison Junior, Haley Newbert, said. “There’s just no fucking way.”
